Where My Girls At?

My husband asked me a question the other day. He asked”Don’t you feel lonely without friends? I mean it’s good to have a life outside of us”. “Nope” is what I replied knowing damn well I was lying. I wanted to really say “Hell yea I miss my girl friends. The tea/gossip is shared with your best girlfriends, not your husband”. I don’t think my husband would care to know or listen to “oh babe guess who is pregnant”? or, “I heard'”….. I could look at the expression on his face that he thought “why in the hell is she telling me this?, I just want to make it to Game Stop before they close”. So I’m finally saying it out loud, I MISS MY GIRLS!!!!!! I understand that people that were thick as thieves loose touch and connection. Between careers, family, responsibilities, and making time for personal R&R , it can become challenging keeping up with your girlfriends AKA your aces, your ride or dies. Now I know I could have done things personally to make sure my friendships didn’t fizzle, but to be real I have a hell of an ego. I have always been reserved, quiet, and pretty much by myself, Hell my Barbie dolls were my only friends as a child. The older I got the reservation became frequent and I didn’t know how to make  friends. I was familiar being by myself and my loneliness became natural. I was the quiet girl from Richmond California, and most of my peers called me “white girl” because I talked proper, was a huge fan of the group Nsync, and always had my big ass head in a book. It was hard for me to fit in with the “It Girls”, I was socially awkward. The only friend I had was My girl Mekia my best friend from elementary school. She would come over and we would dance in front of a Blowing fan with my mother’s good sheets wrapped around us singing and dancing to Selena’s “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” and other Selena classics, ( two black girls from Richmond being hooked on Selena for quite a time). We had sleepovers, we would ride our bikes up and down 23rd street, and make frequent stops to Hill Top mall  Claire’s to buy Nick knacks with our allowance. We would argue over which boy was the cutest (Usher or Marques Houston) We told each other about our first crush, but she moved to another part of town and we attended separate schools.

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Adams Middle School Richmond Ca, (1998)

I missed her, even though we talked on the phone frequently, she and I Eventually had to adjust to being apart. She went on to make new friends, while I sat lonely and miserable attempting to make friends. Eventually when I entered Jr. High I started to come out of my turtle shell. I would talk to classmates here and there, and judging from my peers spotting the Justin Timberlake mini poster I had in front of my clear binder Pocket I wasn’t the only one who enjoyed this amazing group.  Some of my peers had similar interest (cute white boys with blonde curly hair). At that moment I realized that I was not the only black girl in my jr. High that had a thing for white boys. I was ridiculed by my peers for being a “Black Girl” who went crazy over entertainers that didn’t look like me, but I didn’t care, I was convinced that Justin Timberlake and I would wed, and when we did, they wouldn’t be invited.

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My Room Richmond Ca, (1999)

 

I built some of my best friendships over Nsync and The Backstreet Boys. Not only did my new friends have the same interest as me, but they also looked like me too. Finally, I felt like I wasn’t the “whitewashed” girl everyone perceived me to be, there were others!!!!! 

I met Jamie, my ride or die, my Thelma to my Louise in  Junior High. We bonded over Nsync, and I was shocked when I learned we had more things in common other than boy bands. We clicked instantly, and from then on we were there for each other’s Teenage and early adult years. She was there for me through every heartache, crush and vice versa. I also built a friendship with another girl who lived in my neighborhood. We also became close. As we got older we were into the IMX’s and the B2K’s, don’t let me leave out Nsync, we were still hooked on them of course. Two Years went by and friend Kim(not her real name) moved to another state. I was devastated, I had built yet another bond with someone and they were leaving, but at least I had Jamie right? I decided to move to Stockton California with my aunt to attend my sophomore through senior year at a new high school. I was sad that I was leaving but I was excited about a new beginning. I needed a new environment and I thought maybe I could make new friends. Even though I lived two hours away from my sister/BFF we still remained close. At this time Mekia and I would keep in contact but it wasn’t the same not having her there, but once again, I had Jamie. I would go to Richmond to spend weekends with Jamie at her house, and she would spend some weekends with me in Stockton.  The distance never affected us because we were like sisters. While in my Junior year in high school I made new friends.

 

 

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Junior Year (2004) Kelli (bottom left) Ic’ee (upper left) and Tequilla (upper right) 

stockton CaWe all met through a chance encounter all caused by Stockton’s thick winter fog, The bus we were waiting on was late, it was a group of girls, so we decided to walk to one of the girl’s house to warm up and the rest was history.  From then on we became close, we would hang out at lunch and eventually after school. I liked these three girls, they were nice to me, and we had things in common. I felt so good about the friendship I had with these girls that I introduced Jamie to them, we all clicked. We would all go places in our big group and for the first time in a long time I felt like I belonged, I didn’t have to fit I with the popular crowd because I felt popular when we were around each other. It was a sisterhood. Thereafter I met another girl we had two classes together, as soon as we talked and got to know one another, we clicked, we had a similar interests. She was the funniest outgoing person I ever met.

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Senior year (2005)

I could say that I had friends. I was finally adjusting to my new life. After graduating from high school, we were in each other’s lives for a moment. I moved back to the bay area to go to college and my girls stayed in Stockton to do Continue their education. We started to hang out less, even though we would chat on the phone from time to time. Jamie and I picked up where we left off and we were hanging with each other all the time! When I would visit my aunt in Sacramento California the girls and I would hook up and hang since they only lived 30 minutes away from my aunt. 

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Shay, me and Kelli (2006)

When I would go back to the bay area we would talk on the phone and text. We all had our own lives at this point, so the phone calls would slow down and when we couldn’t get a hold of each other, Jamie was there, in the cuts. The sisterhood bond that we built in high school was slowly fading. I blame part of it on myself, but I knew that we would still love each other even though we were not around each other like we were as teens. We became older and faced our own individual journey’s, It happens.

Some of us moved to different states for school, some of us were just getting the hang of being responsible adults and figuring out what to make of our lives.

Jamie and I would still hang out along with another girl I met in high school Diamond(not her real name). Her, Jamie, and I had gotten really close. They were there for my transition to adulthood, they were there transitioning with me. They both were there for me through my abortion and depression. To be honest, while going through my depression i admit i pushed them away, I became more and more of a recluse.

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Jamie and I (2007)

I didn’t want to hang out with my girls and when I had the had time to, I turned down every fun invitation. I was so closed off, I don’t think that Jamie had no idea what was going on. Depression took away the most important thing to me: my girls. I felt that if I talked to them about my depression I would be looked at as a burden. I didn’t want to keep talking about my depression with them, for one, I was the Debbie downer all the time, and two, I wasn’t the same Cecilie they had grown to love. I was not myself and I was embarrassed for them to see me that way.  To this day I don’t think Jamie really knew how dark of a place I was in.

Fast forward to 2009 when I met my current husband, Diamond, Jamie and I didn’t see or talk to one another a lot. Partially, my fault, I didn’t make too much of an effort because I was so busy getting to know this new guy and all my energy was spent on my happiness. Kim and I continued to talk over the phone when we needed one another for advice and support, she was also busy being a mom. By this time Jamie had a child, and so did diamond. I noticed that their time was taken up by motherhood, and I was just getting into this new relationship with my guy. Somewhere between my relationship with him, and my relationship with them, communication was lost in translation. I felt a strain between all three of us. We even fell out and argued. Some things were said and i knew then that the connection had severed, and things weren’t going to be the same as it was. I just felt like our dynamic fizzled. They say “people come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime”, Was that the case for all my fizzled friendships? Did God only place them there for a short term? All the laughs, secrets, and fun times? that’s it? it’s just over? Like that?

I needed my girls to be there through the happiest times in my life, and I needed to be there for theirs. Baby showers, births, Bridal showers, engagement celebrations, weddings, job promotions, all those experiences should be shared with your closest friends. By no means am I perfect, I don’t even think I was a perfect friend, but I did the best I could to support and be there for them, and that was all I could have done. My girls from high school also had children of their own, which I’m very happy for them, we talk from time to time. Whether we decide to connect again or not, I still hold those memories we created, and think of them pretty often. I hate to admit it, but yes, I definitely feel lonely in my life right now. Other than my co-workers, my husband, and dog, I have no social life, So I often ponder the question; “Where my girls at”?

“Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.”
– Ally Condie

 

Have you  had  similar experiences with friends? Did you  you grow apart overtime? ? If so, what could you have done differently? Share your thoughts below ⬇⬇⬇

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Letter To My Ex

 

Dear Dre,

Mya Angelou once said “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” I choose to forgive you. I’m writing you this letter hoping that I can release some of my resentment and bitterness not only towards you but towards what I did. My therapist says it would be therapeutic if I wrote a letter and pretended to send it. You probably will never read this letter, but I hope I will be able to heal and move once I have said what’s on my heart so here it goes………

I honestly can say you came into my life when I was young and unsure about boys. I was unsure about sex, and the overall expected interactions that take place between a girl and a boy. I was 19 years old and I believed that there was a mutual feeling of comfort, innocence, and respect between us. Our careless actions brought me an enormous amount of pain, guilt, and regret. I was mad at myself for not being sexually responsible. Finding out I was pregnant rocked me to the core. I felt alone, I felt that you may have been afraid, were you afraid? did you allow yourself to feel at all? Our decision to end an innocent life still haunts me 11 years later. Did you ever acknowledge the child that lived in me? I know you have moved on and have 2 girls of your own. I envy you at times, the way you moved on unhinged and nonchalant after I had a life sucked from my womb and the repercussions were horrendous. I was stuck in mental hell and I always asked myself “what did I do wrong” ? “Why would he hurt me like this”?.

I took responsibility. Before therapy and self-discovery I loathed you, I hated you, I hated myself. I would get goosebumps if I heard your name, I would get flushed and fever when I watched a movie that reminded me of good times we shared. I still get emotional when I see newborns, children, or pregnant women. If I didn’t have that connection to you, I would have moved on happily like you did, but I was connected to you through life. My body was yours, and yours only.  There was never someone else I was yours completely. You had access to my womb, my mind, my heart. After time passed we met up to talk about it so i could convey my pain, but honestly, I didn’t think you had the mental capacity to understand my pain and my experience. I remember you asked, “How could you want to be with someone who made you feel like that”? Why would you still want to be with me let alone talk to me”? My answer is, I believed you were the love if my life. Even though I was alone in my pain and trusted you to hold me up in my recovery, I still loved you. I was Surprised and disappointed that had to face recovery and redemption alone. In many ways, i have moved on.

I have rediscovered my own interest and needs. I have broadened my horizons, learned things I never knew, met new people, went back to college, but no matter how much progress I make, I often think of you. We were both young and didn’t know how to handle things as heavy as this. Neither one of us grew up with great role models that were male, it was doomed to fail from the beginning. Am I your “One that got away”? Either way, writing this was necessary for me, it was necessary for my sanity and my healing process. I hope you will be able to love someone with your whole heart, and I hope it is reciprocated. Now that you have daughters you can be the best father, hero, and the only man they will ever need. You can give them what we both never had, a present father. You can teach them how to protect their mind, body, and heart so that when those beautiful girls are faced with life’s difficulties they can approach it head on because their father gave them the tools to do so.

                                                                                                 -With Forgiveness, C.C 

Photo Cred: baucemag.com