Where My Girls At?

My husband asked me a question the other day. He asked”Don’t you feel lonely without friends? I mean it’s good to have a life outside of us”. “Nope” is what I replied knowing damn well I was lying. I wanted to really say “Hell yea I miss my girl friends. The tea/gossip is shared with your best girlfriends, not your husband”. I don’t think my husband would care to know or listen to “oh babe guess who is pregnant”? or, “I heard'”….. I could look at the expression on his face that he thought “why in the hell is she telling me this?, I just want to make it to Game Stop before they close”. So I’m finally saying it out loud, I MISS MY GIRLS!!!!!! I understand that people that were thick as thieves loose touch and connection. Between careers, family, responsibilities, and making time for personal R&R , it can become challenging keeping up with your girlfriends AKA your aces, your ride or dies. Now I know I could have done things personally to make sure my friendships didn’t fizzle, but to be real I have a hell of an ego. I have always been reserved, quiet, and pretty much by myself, Hell my Barbie dolls were my only friends as a child. The older I got the reservation became frequent and I didn’t know how to make  friends. I was familiar being by myself and my loneliness became natural. I was the quiet girl from Richmond California, and most of my peers called me “white girl” because I talked proper, was a huge fan of the group Nsync, and always had my big ass head in a book. It was hard for me to fit in with the “It Girls”, I was socially awkward. The only friend I had was My girl Mekia my best friend from elementary school. She would come over and we would dance in front of a Blowing fan with my mother’s good sheets wrapped around us singing and dancing to Selena’s “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” and other Selena classics, ( two black girls from Richmond being hooked on Selena for quite a time). We had sleepovers, we would ride our bikes up and down 23rd street, and make frequent stops to Hill Top mall  Claire’s to buy Nick knacks with our allowance. We would argue over which boy was the cutest (Usher or Marques Houston) We told each other about our first crush, but she moved to another part of town and we attended separate schools.

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Adams Middle School Richmond Ca, (1998)

I missed her, even though we talked on the phone frequently, she and I Eventually had to adjust to being apart. She went on to make new friends, while I sat lonely and miserable attempting to make friends. Eventually when I entered Jr. High I started to come out of my turtle shell. I would talk to classmates here and there, and judging from my peers spotting the Justin Timberlake mini poster I had in front of my clear binder Pocket I wasn’t the only one who enjoyed this amazing group.  Some of my peers had similar interest (cute white boys with blonde curly hair). At that moment I realized that I was not the only black girl in my jr. High that had a thing for white boys. I was ridiculed by my peers for being a “Black Girl” who went crazy over entertainers that didn’t look like me, but I didn’t care, I was convinced that Justin Timberlake and I would wed, and when we did, they wouldn’t be invited.

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My Room Richmond Ca, (1999)

 

I built some of my best friendships over Nsync and The Backstreet Boys. Not only did my new friends have the same interest as me, but they also looked like me too. Finally, I felt like I wasn’t the “whitewashed” girl everyone perceived me to be, there were others!!!!! 

I met Jamie, my ride or die, my Thelma to my Louise in  Junior High. We bonded over Nsync, and I was shocked when I learned we had more things in common other than boy bands. We clicked instantly, and from then on we were there for each other’s Teenage and early adult years. She was there for me through every heartache, crush and vice versa. I also built a friendship with another girl who lived in my neighborhood. We also became close. As we got older we were into the IMX’s and the B2K’s, don’t let me leave out Nsync, we were still hooked on them of course. Two Years went by and friend Kim(not her real name) moved to another state. I was devastated, I had built yet another bond with someone and they were leaving, but at least I had Jamie right? I decided to move to Stockton California with my aunt to attend my sophomore through senior year at a new high school. I was sad that I was leaving but I was excited about a new beginning. I needed a new environment and I thought maybe I could make new friends. Even though I lived two hours away from my sister/BFF we still remained close. At this time Mekia and I would keep in contact but it wasn’t the same not having her there, but once again, I had Jamie. I would go to Richmond to spend weekends with Jamie at her house, and she would spend some weekends with me in Stockton.  The distance never affected us because we were like sisters. While in my Junior year in high school I made new friends.

 

 

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Junior Year (2004) Kelli (bottom left) Ic’ee (upper left) and Tequilla (upper right) 

stockton CaWe all met through a chance encounter all caused by Stockton’s thick winter fog, The bus we were waiting on was late, it was a group of girls, so we decided to walk to one of the girl’s house to warm up and the rest was history.  From then on we became close, we would hang out at lunch and eventually after school. I liked these three girls, they were nice to me, and we had things in common. I felt so good about the friendship I had with these girls that I introduced Jamie to them, we all clicked. We would all go places in our big group and for the first time in a long time I felt like I belonged, I didn’t have to fit I with the popular crowd because I felt popular when we were around each other. It was a sisterhood. Thereafter I met another girl we had two classes together, as soon as we talked and got to know one another, we clicked, we had a similar interests. She was the funniest outgoing person I ever met.

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Senior year (2005)

I could say that I had friends. I was finally adjusting to my new life. After graduating from high school, we were in each other’s lives for a moment. I moved back to the bay area to go to college and my girls stayed in Stockton to do Continue their education. We started to hang out less, even though we would chat on the phone from time to time. Jamie and I picked up where we left off and we were hanging with each other all the time! When I would visit my aunt in Sacramento California the girls and I would hook up and hang since they only lived 30 minutes away from my aunt. 

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Shay, me and Kelli (2006)

When I would go back to the bay area we would talk on the phone and text. We all had our own lives at this point, so the phone calls would slow down and when we couldn’t get a hold of each other, Jamie was there, in the cuts. The sisterhood bond that we built in high school was slowly fading. I blame part of it on myself, but I knew that we would still love each other even though we were not around each other like we were as teens. We became older and faced our own individual journey’s, It happens.

Some of us moved to different states for school, some of us were just getting the hang of being responsible adults and figuring out what to make of our lives.

Jamie and I would still hang out along with another girl I met in high school Diamond(not her real name). Her, Jamie, and I had gotten really close. They were there for my transition to adulthood, they were there transitioning with me. They both were there for me through my abortion and depression. To be honest, while going through my depression i admit i pushed them away, I became more and more of a recluse.

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Jamie and I (2007)

I didn’t want to hang out with my girls and when I had the had time to, I turned down every fun invitation. I was so closed off, I don’t think that Jamie had no idea what was going on. Depression took away the most important thing to me: my girls. I felt that if I talked to them about my depression I would be looked at as a burden. I didn’t want to keep talking about my depression with them, for one, I was the Debbie downer all the time, and two, I wasn’t the same Cecilie they had grown to love. I was not myself and I was embarrassed for them to see me that way.  To this day I don’t think Jamie really knew how dark of a place I was in.

Fast forward to 2009 when I met my current husband, Diamond, Jamie and I didn’t see or talk to one another a lot. Partially, my fault, I didn’t make too much of an effort because I was so busy getting to know this new guy and all my energy was spent on my happiness. Kim and I continued to talk over the phone when we needed one another for advice and support, she was also busy being a mom. By this time Jamie had a child, and so did diamond. I noticed that their time was taken up by motherhood, and I was just getting into this new relationship with my guy. Somewhere between my relationship with him, and my relationship with them, communication was lost in translation. I felt a strain between all three of us. We even fell out and argued. Some things were said and i knew then that the connection had severed, and things weren’t going to be the same as it was. I just felt like our dynamic fizzled. They say “people come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime”, Was that the case for all my fizzled friendships? Did God only place them there for a short term? All the laughs, secrets, and fun times? that’s it? it’s just over? Like that?

I needed my girls to be there through the happiest times in my life, and I needed to be there for theirs. Baby showers, births, Bridal showers, engagement celebrations, weddings, job promotions, all those experiences should be shared with your closest friends. By no means am I perfect, I don’t even think I was a perfect friend, but I did the best I could to support and be there for them, and that was all I could have done. My girls from high school also had children of their own, which I’m very happy for them, we talk from time to time. Whether we decide to connect again or not, I still hold those memories we created, and think of them pretty often. I hate to admit it, but yes, I definitely feel lonely in my life right now. Other than my co-workers, my husband, and dog, I have no social life, So I often ponder the question; “Where my girls at”?

“Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.”
– Ally Condie

 

Have you  had  similar experiences with friends? Did you  you grow apart overtime? ? If so, what could you have done differently? Share your thoughts below ⬇⬇⬇

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5 Things Every Black Woman Needs To Hear from their significant other.

 

20190216_133539_0000As a black woman in today’s society it’s hard for some to  acknowledge struggles that black women face in society and have faced for years. We are wives,  mothers, daughters, friends, and entrepreneurs, but yet i feel that we are not acknowledge enough by our people and by our men. We work, go to school, bear children, cook, pay the bills, contribute to household disaters, do the shopping. We are expected to do all this and perform to the highest standard in the bedroom. But there are rewards and incentives that should be implemented in order for us to continue to feel loke we matter, that we are needed and wanted. Everyone needs a little Positive descriptive acknowledgement(PDA). I learned of this through my early childhood education trainings. The term (PDA) or positive descriptive acknowledgment is basiclly praise we give children when they act on a positive interaction or behavior, it is used to build a child’s  confidence and to encourage more of the positive behavior. I believe adults need this also. Who wouldn’t want to hear praise in great detail? I know i would feel warm inside if someone acknowledged my good actions and qualities. To use PDA on a woman is Not just saying this,  “man babe that fried chicken was good” but describing the positive action or behavior “babe dinner was delicious i appreciate you taking the time to make this meal for the family”. Not only do you try this with your signifigant other, but try it on your friendly cashier at a local grocery store, your bubbly waitress at your favorite restaurant, even a helpful retail employee, i promise it does wonders. Take notes! Black women need to feel appreciated! Which brings me to number 1:

1. I appreciate you

From picking our kids up from school, to grocery shopping, doing laundry, cooking, making kids their lunch, making the husband his lunch, it is in us to nurture and take care of our family. When we do meet needs of our family and go far and beyond we just need a little something to show that the people we take care appreciates our acts of care and pure well being. So when a man comes home to a clean house, dinner, and some booty to end the night. It also helps to let your lady know “thank you babe” be specific on what your thankful for “thank you for cooking my favorite meal, thank you for cleaning the house, thank you for putting the kids to bed, i really appreciate everything you do for us”. Women need to hear this daily!!!!!!

2. You Are Loved

Women need to know and hear that we are sexy no matter if we have wide hips, big behind, or flat chest. We as women tend to pick our bodies apart and compare our bodies with other women’s body, i know i do, but when you have a man that loves your weight, stretchmarks, saggy breast, flabby arms, wide thighs and much more you realize that what society considers beautiful doesn’t matter because you have a man that thinks you are the most beautiful in his world, the beyonce to his jay- z , the jada to his will. When i have one of my days where i’m not feeling what i’m wearing, or i’m feeling down and  self confidence is low i hear this ” you are right for me, every part of you is beautiful,you are enough, you are my queen”. When i hear these words something inside me rises, my confidence goes from 0 to 100 and i feel confident in my own skin, not only do i know i’m sexy, but my significant other knows it too.

3. You Are Respected

Would you ever disrespect your mother by calling her a bitch? would you want a man or woman to call your daughter out of her name and abuse her? So why do we do it to other men and women? I have been called a bitch, and i have heard women being called bitches. The same women that you are calling a bitch is someone who contributes to this world. As women we need respect, we want respect, we demand respect. Respect is what we have earned, people respect all women/men no matter what decisions or experiences that women have gone through. When there is no respect shown, that can’t  be reciprocated. We have to set an example for the younger generation. We have to teach society that women carry a lot of power, a power that men alone cannot hold. Women, we also need to set boundaries for ourselves when it comes to us respecting ourselves and other women. When a man/person acknowledges that you have boundaries and expectations it leaves no room for disrespect. My favorite author and life coach inyanla vanzant stated ““We have such a rich culture and in that culture, there are roles and purposes and powers. And we live in a society now where women are commodities, where women are demeaned, diminished, demoralized in ways that we accommodate, And if we really understood who we are as feminine representations of the creator of the universe, some of the things that we experience in life — like crying when the unemployed boo boo leaves us , if we really understood who we are, we wouldn’t be so apt to let other people define us and confine us. We are out of order!”. Ladies we must respect ourselves, we must carry standards and believe in our morals in order to gain the respect that is deserved and necessary.

4. Its Okay

As women we are expected to be superwoman, work, school, raising our children, preparing meals, cleaning, laundry, picking up and dropping off,  hold down the house AND while the husband is away, still keeping our personal dreams alive, but at times it can become overwhelming mentally and physically. Some of us might be depressed, drained, and loose sight of our own happiness and what we want. When we hit a stump in the road and we feel like we are not incontrol, when it’s too much pressure, too much demanded tell her it’s okay, tell her she Dosen’t have to take it on by herself. Every great man needs a greater woman to stand next too. Becoming a team and keeping open communication supports the union and love between lovers.

I can’t do this without you

So many responsibilities are put on “The man of the castle”. Whether it’s his job,  bills, household repairs, men can’t do it all without a strong woman behind him. Just because men are deamed strong Dosent mean that they can’t feel or become overwhelmed. At times i belive that men can be just as sensitive as women. Men go through challenges, hardships, loss, and self doubt often. Men need a woman that’s going to listen, a woman who is loyal and honest, a woman that is going to give him the gut wrenching low down dirty trtuth.Men need to feel like they can trust their woman with everything. When a man feels secure and know that you are down for him with the utmost  loyalty, they will want you there hrough all lifes challenges. When he is down on his luck he will to his woman to pick him up, when he gets laid off his woman should do whatever is necessary to make sure the family is taken care of while her man looks for work. He shouldn’t have to carry the load in his own, he needs the live and support from his woman. When challenges and obstacles arise, women should hear “i can’t do this without you babe, i need you”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A letter To My Unborn

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Dear Love,

Please don’t be upset with me, i did it for me and daddy. I know it sounds so selfish but i was scared, alone, and had no support. I think about you all the time, i always wonder what you would have looked like? would you have looked like me? would you have looked like your father? would you have those big beautiful brown eyes? or chocolate dark skin like me and daddy. Most nights i dream of you, you come in my dreams in all white, you touch my face with your tiny hand as i am down on my knees, you look at me in my eyes and say “mommy, i’m okay, god is watching me until you get here”, i cry when you walk away and take tiny steps into the white light, i want to hold you, i want to feel you. I’m sorry you had to feel the pain of being ripped apart, it was painful for mommy too, i thought about your tiny brain crushed, you little legs broken, your heart disconnected. I’m sorry i couldn’t protect you, i’m sorry that i didn’t listen to my first mind telling me to keep you.

I loved you from the moment i heard of your presence, but mommy wasn’t ready and daddy was just as lost as i was. I know you heard me crying at night, did you hear me? did you feel me rubbing you? telling you i love you? I can imagine your laugh if i tickled you all over. i can hear your cries from a fall, i can hear a coo and see your bare smile when i make funny faces. I can hear your cries, i can smell you. Can you forgive me? can you forgive me for ending a precious life before it begun? You would have been 10 years old by now, now that i think about it i could have made it work, you coming into this world wasn’t a curse or a burden, but a beautiful intricate gift from god. Mommy got help from your loss, i tried so hard to forget you but you remained in my mind, in my heart. No amount of medication or therapy would keep me from you, it didn’t matter what i did, you were always on my mind, In the morning when i would wake, until the evening when i would close my eyes. At night i pray that when i leave this world i can go straight to heaven to see you,  if you see me in heaven will you recognize me?  Mommy has healed and it took a lot of work on my end to come to terms with aborting you. Now all i can do is hope and pray that i will be blessed with another intricate gift from god, your brother or sister. Even though i never had the chance to meet you i love you like i would if you were here.

 

                           ♥♥♥ Thinking of you daily, love always

                                                                                                                         – Your Mommy

My Abortion Story Pt. 2

After the procedure I purposely looked down to see if I could see remains of my baby, I saw nothing, I know it sounds disturbing but i needed to know that it was done. The nurse helped me to my bed in a recovery room where the other girls were. Some girls laid in their recovery beds crying and some threw up from the medication and probably from the whole ordeal. I felt like a part of me left when my baby was ripped from me, but i had programmed my brain to think that this was for the best and relief would sustain me.  I laid for 30 minutes, after the nurse gave me the green light to get dressed and go home, I was prescribed pain medication. My mother was there to pick me up and from the clinic. My best friend waited at the Bart station, my mom picked her up on the way home. I looked to see if there were any missed calls from Andre, nothing. Once I got home I changed into comfy clothes and took my pain medication. I called Andre and on the first answer he sounded bothered by me calling “where were you”? i asked in tears “man, I will get there when I get there”, he hung up on me. The feeling that I had after the phone call was a feeling I had never experienced in my life. I felt alone, stupid, sad, angry, and lost, If my best friend did not come that weekend I don’t know what I would have done. Andre and i stopped talking after that, it had been months since we talked again. I convinced myself  the abortion was the right thing to do and that I should feel relieved that I didn’t have to carry that burden of raising a child alone. Amy Winehouse  “back to black” album was the soundtrack of my life at that time. I tried to move on with my life and I tried to push the abortion out of my mind, so I wouldn’t have to think about it. Amy helped me with that.

Months later i tried to put the abortion behind me. I worked with children so it was hard to look at them and not think of the life that was inside me. I had no appetite, i lost 30 lbs, i thought that’s a good thing at least i didn’t turn to food, drugs, or promiscuous sex that could have affected me mentally and physically.

It was a surprise when  my best friend Jamie let me know that Andre was looking for me. 3 months after the procedure Jamie dated his friend at the time and she always mentioned that Dre would ask about me. When she asked my permission for her to give him my number I was nervous but mostly mad as hell, he had big balls to ask about me after all these months.  nonchalantly i said “Sure, give him my number I have a bone to pick with his ass”. He called me later that night, he claimed he wanted to come see me and that he wanted to apologize for the way things went down between us. I agreed to meet him outside of my apartment building. When he first walked up I felt a blood rush of emotion, anger, love, sadness. “you look good cc”. “thanks” was the only reply that I could mustered up. He spent a half an hour apologizing and the other half hour trying to get into my pants. “Typical Dre” is what I thought to myself. He did not get into my pants that night, but he got into something much worse, my heart.

We tried the relationship again for a month things were okay until a girl started to call my phone frequently saying that Dre was sleeping with her too. I asked him about it and of course he denied it. I spent the night at his house one night and the next morning the same girl who was stalking me and calling me daily(and late at night) was at his door, she came to fight, she came to draw blood. Till this day I don’t even know if she knew I was there I was too busy thinking of a way to escape the apartment he lived in. Andre physically fought this girl and her brothers, I was looking for a way out to run. I didn’t do this, this wasn’t me to fight over a boy. I was scared, I didn’t know what this girl would do once she found out I was there. Andre came back into the house five minutes later with bloody knuckles and scratches on his face, I then asked him to take me home. After that I thought things couldn’t get any worse but sure enough it did. A few days after the debacle Dre and I were on the phone, he sounded weird, “cc I have something to tell you, I got my ex pregnant”. Coldness ran through me, “she is keeping the baby, so I have a kid on the way”. My world stopped, my heartbeat raced. “I’m so sorry cc I fucked up, but I have to take care of my responsibilities”. “Are you fucking kidding me? i thought So, you got this same girl who has been calling and harassing me pregnant? And you’re saying you have a responsibility”? I cried hard and thought about my child and what made this woman so special that she got to keep hers with his full support. I couldn’t bear talking to him, the thought of him made me sick so I hung up and cut off all contact with him.  I didn’t’ want to be a part of the drama, I could only take so much from Dre at this point.

Moving on was hard. I loved Dre but I couldn’t be with him. He showed me that he couldn’t be honest, he showed me that he didn’t respect me. Months went by, my life went on as it should, I started to smoke cigarettes, pop sleep aides, and drink occasionally. On Thanksgiving Day in 2008 things took a turn for the worse. One night I felt like I was dying, my heart was beating out of my chest, i thought i was having a heart attack, at my age that couldn’t be possible. I told my mom and she drove me to the emergency room. When I got there, I was sure they were going to say heart attack or stroke, it was neither, it was a panic attack. I stayed in the hospital overnight and when I was discharged a nurse gave me a paper describing what panic attacks are and what I can do to help alleviate symptoms. When I arrived home, fear swept through my body, I was scared to be left alone, I feared that I would have another panic attack. Things went down from there. I was anxious all the time, I couldn’t concentrate at work or at home. I felt like I was outside of my body and that my sense of reality was distorted, was I going mad? It came to a place where my symptoms would be so intense that I thought I would lose control and go crazy. I decided to see a therapist to find out what was going on with me. The first visit to see my therapist was uneventful. I Had one hour to explain why I was having these scary panic attacks. I was hoping that she would tell me what was wrong with me. My therapist then referred me to a psychiatrist for medication. I didn’t want to take medication, I didn’t know how my body would react to them, so I declined.

 My anxiety progressed, and the outcome was both anxiety and depression. I wanted to take my life, there was a feeling in me that I couldn’t explain, I can’t even explain it today.  I was hopeless, afraid, sad. I cut off important friendships, loss great friends, I was a recluse.  I turned down invitations, i missed important events in my friends lives, i stopped calling them and would ignore calls that came from them. I was ashamed, i was embarrassed, i didn’t want them to see how weak i had become. The sweet, funny, enthusiastic cecilie that they knew had gone. I considered taking my own life, but after thinking about my mother, if I were to leave this earth her daughter would be no more, and she wouldn’t be the same. I was scared to leave my house, my thoughts ran a mile a minute and I had no one to talk to about it. My mother even noticed that I was not the same. Instead of being a coward and a sinner I turned to the lord when I had suicidal thoughts, I grew up in the church, so it was time for me to ask for god’s forgiveness and mercy. One day I just got on my knees weeping, i started to pray “lord god whatever this is inside me heal me from it, make me stronger”. I prayed so much that getting on my knees was routine. I started reading the bible and getting into the word. I knew that if anyone else wouldn’t be there, I knew Jesus would be there. I reconsidered medication, because the anxiety was getting worse. My psychiatrist prescribed 20 milligrams of Prozac and 40 milligrams of Atarax, after he diagnosed me with severe depression. At this time, I wasn’t sure why the chemicals in my brain had changed, I never once thought that it could have been because of the abortion, i thought it was from all the stress with Dre. My therapist and I talked about the symptoms but we both didn’t know the cause.

I took the Atarax as prescribed, but it just made me so groggy, it made me numb and I didn’t like that feeling. My anxiety was at an all-time high, racing thoughts, thoughts of me going crazy, I was scared to be alone, I feared the worst. I had to do something to get relief, so I did the thing that I should have done in the beginning, I went to god, I got on my knees and the tears started to flow “god what is wrong with me? Heal me? I know I’m not perfect, but I’m tired I don’t know if I can take this any longer”. I remember going to my mother in tears, I think she was worried and fearful to see her daughter in that state, being this vulnerable, this sad. I asked her to pray with me, and she did. We both got on our knees and she held my hand while I wept uncontrollably, after the prayer she wiped my tears and told me that god would take care of me. From that day I started to read the bible. I was getting familiar with my with the word, to prayer. I grew up in church but sometimes people lose their way and lose sight of what god has planned for their life, so they make their own stories, and that was me. I picked up my grandmother’s bible and started at genesis. Every day I read a chapter and made a point to pray all throughout that day. I took an anxiety class at my local clinic. I started to read up on mindfulness and how to use certain tools for the anxiety, I even took a yoga class on Saturdays, yoga was now apart of my daily routine. I never would have thought that I would be meditating, taking yoga, and reading the bible faithfully, me?  but this was my life, this is what I needed to recover. My mother wanted to know more about anxiety and why it affected me the way it did so she joined me in one of my counseling sessions. She asked “why is my daughter going through this? What causes this”? she asked all the necessary questions a parent would ask about their child mental health and well being. My therapist told my mother “Sometimes people go through stressful situations and trauma, the brain reacts in such a way that our anxiety heightens”.  My mother and i never made the connection of what trauma could have took place. I had a great childhood, I was loved, my father wasn’t in my life, but it didn’t affect me in any kind of way, so what trauma took place?

My aunt who helped raise me worried about my mental state. She had no idea that I was in a deep depression and wanted to take my life. I sat and talked to her, I let her know i wanted to leave this earth, i wanted to kill myself. Tears ran from her eyes “I had no idea, that it had gotten that bad, maybe I could have done a better job at supporting you” she replied. I knew that there was nothing that she did, or nothing she could have done. She loved me like a daughter. She wanted to see me happy. She suggested that I come visit her for a weekend, so I could get away from the environment that could have caused the trauma. I accepted. I’m glad that I went to visit that weekend, god knew what he was doing, my aunt’s invitation led to how i discovered the root of the anxiety and depression…………

Fatherless: How I identified Love

 

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Credit: tumblr

By the time I graduated high school  I expected to attend college, and leave my first high school love behind. I moved to another city and I was not prepared for what my high school love had planned for the both of us, so i reevaluated and made the decision to leave.  I went through a tough in transition, I really wanted to step outside of my shell and experience what life could be like without him, my gut told me that it was time to start anew. I applied to a university in the city in which I lived, that didn’t go as planned so I tried Jr college.  I didn’t know what I wanted, or how I was going to get there. Not only was I having trouble figuring out who I was, I was figuring out the male psyche. When I look back I was quite naive, gullible, and just dumb.  I never wanted anything serious since my high school breakup. I wanted to experiment, see what the universe had to offer. I wanted to find out what type of guys I was into, I wanted to find out if the guys I took interest in took interest in me. I met a few suitors but they just weren’t too my liking, there were phone conversations, meet ups, and make out sessions but nothing serious. I was just how do the old folks say? “Hot in the drawers” what 18-year-old girl isn’t? From 18-21 I was looking for something in every guy I encountered but I just couldn’t identify it. You know how they say every fatherless girl looks for their father in the men she chooses? Well I had no idea who my father was , I just knew he was a coward for l leaving me and my older siblings, so I accepted any attention that was brought my way. I identified love as intimacy, sex, a physical connection. I had no idea that love didn’t omit sex. I thought sex was the love. That’s what I thought the first time I had sex, he must love me enough to sleep with me right? He picked me, little old innocent me when he could be pursuing another other young naive girl, he must love me.  I didn’t know what love was, I equated love with sex and lust. I figured if I gave my body, a piece of me away that love would come eventually.

But the love never revealed itself, instead insecurity set in, lack of self-esteem stepped in, Shame and hate filled me, not love. I wasn’t given the tools by my father or any male figure on how to identify love. How could I have known? How was I to know what to look for? Not having my father around set in around my middle 20’s. So I reached out and my father and I started to build a foundation but it still wasn’t enough for me, it lacked substance and meaning. Reconnecting felt rushed. I blamed my father for every heartbreak. I thought “if only my dad was around to comfort me and pick me up after a boy broke my heart I wouldn’t be this broken this gullible”. “Would he defend my honor? Would he dry my tears? Would he say “baby girl daddy’s here I got you”.

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credit: mybrownbaby.com

 

I needed to hear him say it, I wanted to hear him say it, it was necessary. My mother could only convey what she felt about men from a woman’s perspective. She put up her best effort to guide me but the fact of the matter was I needed a real man, I needed a father. After a life altering transition my eyes became open to what men had offered, pain, heartache, and lies. My eyes grew wider with each passing moment, and as they grew wider my heart became cold and dark. My life no longer upheld light and serenity. My life became a place for depression to dwell. Through my depression came clarity, through clarity came self-love, through self love came, forgiveness, and after forgiveness came healing.

There were books that I read that helped me transition. Iyalnla vanzant’s “in the meantime”  and Elizabeth Gilbert’s ” eat pray, and love”.  A quote from Iyanla’s book really stood out she stated “When you need to be loved, you take love wherever you can find it. When you are desperate to be loved, feel love, know love, you seek out what you think love should look like. When you find love, or what you think love is, you will lie, kill, and steal to keep it. But learning about real love comes from within. It cannot be given. It cannot be taken away. It grows from your ability to re-create within yourself, the essence of loving experiences you have had in your life.”  I learned that loving thyself was the first step in healing. I had discard anger and resentment, I had to recreate myself in order to experience love. Our perception of love was distorted and unrealistic. I’m sure many black women who grew up without a father experienced so much worse than I did. I know many black women who have faced the same issues I have faced because we were fatherless. It’s a cycle that needs to stop. Little girls need their daddies in order to love themselves and to reciprocate love to a man. I know that my life experiences would’ve been a different  if I had my father in my life.