Letter To My Ex

 

Dear Dre,

Mya Angelou once said “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” I choose to forgive you. I’m writing you this letter hoping that I can release some of my resentment and bitterness not only towards you but towards what I did. My therapist says it would be therapeutic if I wrote a letter and pretended to send it. You probably will never read this letter, but I hope I will be able to heal and move once I have said what’s on my heart so here it goes………

I honestly can say you came into my life when I was young and unsure about boys. I was unsure about sex, and the overall expected interactions that take place between a girl and a boy. I was 19 years old and I believed that there was a mutual feeling of comfort, innocence, and respect between us. Our careless actions brought me an enormous amount of pain, guilt, and regret. I was mad at myself for not being sexually responsible. Finding out I was pregnant rocked me to the core. I felt alone, I felt that you may have been afraid, were you afraid? did you allow yourself to feel at all? Our decision to end an innocent life still haunts me 11 years later. Did you ever acknowledge the child that lived in me? I know you have moved on and have 2 girls of your own. I envy you at times, the way you moved on unhinged and nonchalant after I had a life sucked from my womb and the repercussions were horrendous. I was stuck in mental hell and I always asked myself “what did I do wrong” ? “Why would he hurt me like this”?.

I took responsibility. Before therapy and self-discovery I loathed you, I hated you, I hated myself. I would get goosebumps if I heard your name, I would get flushed and fever when I watched a movie that reminded me of good times we shared. I still get emotional when I see newborns, children, or pregnant women. If I didn’t have that connection to you, I would have moved on happily like you did, but I was connected to you through life. My body was yours, and yours only.  There was never someone else I was yours completely. You had access to my womb, my mind, my heart. After time passed we met up to talk about it so i could convey my pain, but honestly, I didn’t think you had the mental capacity to understand my pain and my experience. I remember you asked, “How could you want to be with someone who made you feel like that”? Why would you still want to be with me let alone talk to me”? My answer is, I believed you were the love if my life. Even though I was alone in my pain and trusted you to hold me up in my recovery, I still loved you. I was Surprised and disappointed that had to face recovery and redemption alone.
In many ways, I have moved on. 

I have rediscovered my own interest and needs. I have broadened my horizons, learned things I never knew, met new people, went back to college, but no matter how much progress I make, I often think of you. We were both young and didn’t know how to handle things as heavy as this. Neither one of us grrew up with great role models that were male, it was doomed to fail from the beginning. Am I your “One that got away”? Either way, writing this was necessary for me, it was necessary for my sanity and my healing process. I hope you will be able to love someone with your whole heart, and I hope it is reciprocated. Now that you have daughters you can be the best father, hero, and the only man they will ever need. You can give them what we both ner had, a present father. You can teach them how to protect their mind, body, and heart so that when those beautiful girls are faced with life’s difficulties they can approach it head on because their father gave them the tools to do so.

                                                                                                 -With Forgiveness, C.C 

Photo Cred: baucemag.com

Mental Health Awareness

Once i was in a very dark place. I lost hope, i lost, confidence, and i lost my mind. Growing up there were no therapy sessions, or someone to check in on you just to ask if you were okay, you were considred week or mentally ill. I took my depression as something that wasn’t normal, i wasn’t supposed to feel a heightened sense of dread, worry, pure and utter sadness. I didn’t know at the time why i had those feelings and how i could climb out of the dark ongoing realm that was my life. The feelings i had were so intense, and so powerful, that i contemplated leaving his earth. I thought “I can’t see a theapist people, friends would think I’m weak, they will think I’m crazy. It had gotten so bad that my body was here on earth but my soul had left, my soul changed. I never could comprehend why so many other people in this world  were depressed, how could something like depression intervene with everday life, Could it really stop time? Could it really stop you from living a normal healthy life? Could it effect the way you think? Hell Yes! That definitely was the case for me. The picture you see above was taken on a pretty bad day. I was highly anxious, just had taken my anxiety and depression meds. I figured that i could capture myself in that moment, so if one day when i conquered this sickness i would remember what i felt in that moment. This picture was taken in 2008. I still remember the day, what i ate, what i did, how i felt. I forced a smile to let outsiders know things were perfect.

See, i was good at putting on a facade and potraying perfection, i did it quite well for awhile until i couldnt any more. It started to shiw within my character, and sad enough, my eyes. Loved ones knew something in me had shifted, my shift was infinite. I looked in the mirror and i couldn’t recognize this who i had become. I was full of life, i shined when the sun didn’t, i was bubbly, i was innocent. I saught help and started treatment. My spirt reached a breakthrough with the help of god, prozac, prayer, writing, and persistance. I’m saying this to say if you are ever in a place where you want to harm yourself, if you get to a place where you feel dread, worry, and severe anxiety, talk to someone. You are not alone.

According to NAMI (national alliance of mental illness) “Although anyone can develop a mental health problem, African Americans sometimes experience more severe forms of mental health conditions due to unmet needs and other barriers. According to the Health and Human Services Office of Minority Health, African Americans are 20% more likely to experience serious mental health problems than the general population. Common mental health disorders among African Americans include:

“African Americans are also more likely to experience certain factors that increase the risk for developing a mental health condition:

  • Homelessness. People experiencing homelessness are at a greater risk of developing a mental health condition. African Americans make up 40% of the homeless population.
  • Exposure to violence increases the risk of developing a mental health condition such as depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. African American children are more likely to be exposed to violence than other children.In the African American community, many people misunderstand what a mental health condition is and don’t talk about this topic. This lack of knowledge leads many to believe that a mental health condition is a personal weakness or some sort of punishment from God. African Americans may be reluctant to discuss mental health issues and seek treatment because of the shame and stigma associated with such conditions.”Many African Americans also have trouble recognizing the signs and symptoms of mental health conditions, leading to underestimating the effects and impact of mental health conditions. Some may think of depression as “the blues” or something to snap out of. This is not something you can just ignore and sweep under the rug. If you notice that a loved one is not themsleves and you notice a shift, step in, be there, listen, it could be a matter of life or death. If you feel down and need extra support please call  (1800)-662-HELP (4357 you really don’t have to exprrince pain and fear by yourself. I made it through my storm, at days it can be challenging, but I’ve gained the tools and knowledge to manage my major depressive disorder. Don’t let life stop when that light goes out, find another source of light and let it carry you to utter happiness.

A letter To My Unborn

1031261394
sputniknews

 

 

 

Dear Love,

Please don’t be upset with me, i did it for me and daddy. I know it sounds so selfish but i was scared, alone, and had no support. I think about you all the time, i always wonder what you would have looked like? would you have looked like me? would you have looked like your father? would you have those big beautiful brown eyes? or chocolate dark skin like me and daddy. Most nights i dream of you, you come in my dreams in all white, you touch my face with your tiny hand as i am down on my knees, you look at me in my eyes and say “mommy, i’m okay, god is watching me until you get here”, i cry when you walk away and take tiny steps into the white light, i want to hold you, i want to feel you. I’m sorry you had to feel the pain of being ripped apart, it was painful for mommy too, i thought about your tiny brain crushed, you little legs broken, your heart disconnected. I’m sorry i couldn’t protect you, i’m sorry that i didn’t listen to my first mind telling me to keep you.

I loved you from the moment i heard of your presence, but mommy wasn’t ready and daddy was just as lost as i was. I know you heard me crying at night, did you hear me? did you feel me rubbing you? telling you i love you? I can imagine your laugh if i tickled you all over. i can hear your cries from a fall, i can hear a coo and see your bare smile when i make funny faces. I can hear your cries, i can smell you. Can you forgive me? can you forgive me for ending a precious life before it begun? You would have been 10 years old by now, now that i think about it i could have made it work, you coming into this world wasn’t a curse or a burden, but a beautiful intricate gift from god. Mommy got help from your loss, i tried so hard to forget you but you remained in my mind, in my heart. No amount of medication or therapy would keep me from you, it didn’t matter what i did, you were always on my mind, In the morning when i would wake, until the evening when i would close my eyes. At night i pray that when i leave this world i can go straight to heaven to see you,  if you see me in heaven will you recognize me?  Mommy has healed and it took a lot of work on my end to come to terms with aborting you. Now all i can do is hope and pray that i will be blessed with another intricate gift from god, your brother or sister. Even though i never had the chance to meet you i love you like i would if you were here.

 

                           ♥♥♥ Thinking of you daily, love always

                                                                                                                         – Your Mommy

My Abortion Story Pt. 3

The meds that I took daily started to take effect. I started to feel less anxious and more normal, even happier. My mood changed from hopeless to hopeful. I started to live again. My mind was so much more clearer. I read self help books, books on mindfulness and meditation. I felt healthy and fit practicing yoga and Thai chi. I lost weight, I started watching what I was consuming as far as food and liquids. I went to the gym everyday to help me free my mind of anxieties. Meditation was part of my daily routine. I still went in once a week for my counseling sessions but I still felt like there was something that I was missing.

When I took up the offer to stay at my aunt’s house for the weekend  I was able to breathe. I felt at ease with my surroundings. There were no racing thoughts, no worries, no hopelessness. My aunt lived in a beautiful home in the hottest city of the North bay. I would go into her backyard in the am, look at the yard filled with grass, a canopy and a swing and I just breathed. I paid attention to the sky, the way the air smelled, the way the sun hit my face. It was like I was with god himself.  I was at peace, i took advantage of the smells, the wind, the sun. I paid attention to how the cement felt under my feet. My aunt and I talked I opened up in more detail about Andre and the abortion.  One day I had her house to myself and I was surfing the web I decided to look up support after an abortion. The clinic had resources for after abortion but at that time I didn’t think I needed counseling. I got a few numbers and was interested in a retreat strictly built for women who had abortions. Was I ready to open that womb again? It was so nicely stitched shut, it didn’t make sense to remove the stiches, but I had to dig in there to find healing. Was this the cause of my mental downfall? I left that weekend feeling a sense of relief and calm, I finally felt that there was hope.

Once I settled back in at home I decided to call the hotline, I was so nervous and scared I didn’t know what expect. I called and i was connected with the sweetest the sweetest woman. Her voice was calm and she was very attentive. She asked me questions about my abortion and if it had any effects on my life. I told her I’m not sure but I had been recently diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. She explained that lots of women experience depression and anxiety after an abortion. I felt relieved that I wasn’t the only woman who has experienced depression and anxiety after a traumatic experience such as an abortion. She gave me a number and a website to visit so I could do more research on what this was that I was experiencing. I looked up the website for “Rachel’s vineyard”. I was immediately intrigued. “Rachel’s vineyard a place to go to heal after an abortion”. I thought to myself “wow, this type of place exists”? The other detail that caught my attention was the description of what Rachel’s vineyard was. It was a place of healing, a place where there would be no judgement, a place for all of God’s children to come and ask for forgiveness. “Wow, I need to call this number”.

Was this a legit place? Was it some kind of secret cult? Was it a pro life organization that were going to tell me that I was going to go to hell? I prayed before I called and hoped that I would get the answers I looked for. A woman m an and I started to talk, the woman who was sent from God to help me heal. She explained to me that what I did at the time didn’t define God’s love for me. She didn’t judge, and she didn’t quote scriptures, she listened to my testimony. Christine answered all my questions and she even went out of her way to mail me a packet with more info on the retreat. Before we ended the call she asked “Cecilie do you mind praying with me”? I don’t know what came over me but I started to weep. I knew what I had done was wrong considering my strict Christian background. Not only did i sin by having sex that didn’t take place within marriage, but I had killed a human life that God put there himself. I just knew God was punishing me for killing my baby. Christine prayed with me and at that moment I realized God loved me, he loved me so much, he knew what would take place, he knew the obstacles that would  have to face, anything to get me closer to him, he planned already. God wasn’t punishing me, he was preparing me for abundant blessings that were coming my way. Rachel’s vineyard would be the place where I found healing and the everlasting and unconditional love from my almighty God.………………….