Letter To My Ex

 

Dear Dre,

Mya Angelou once said “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” I choose to forgive you. I’m writing you this letter hoping that I can release some of my resentment and bitterness not only towards you but towards what I did. My therapist says it would be therapeutic if I wrote a letter and pretended to send it. You probably will never read this letter, but I hope I will be able to heal and move once I have said what’s on my heart so here it goes………

I honestly can say you came into my life when I was young and unsure about boys. I was unsure about sex, and the overall expected interactions that take place between a girl and a boy. I was 19 years old and I believed that there was a mutual feeling of comfort, innocence, and respect between us. Our careless actions brought me an enormous amount of pain, guilt, and regret. I was mad at myself for not being sexually responsible. Finding out I was pregnant rocked me to the core. I felt alone, I felt that you may have been afraid, were you afraid? did you allow yourself to feel at all? Our decision to end an innocent life still haunts me 11 years later. Did you ever acknowledge the child that lived in me? I know you have moved on and have 2 girls of your own. I envy you at times, the way you moved on unhinged and nonchalant after I had a life sucked from my womb and the repercussions were horrendous. I was stuck in mental hell and I always asked myself “what did I do wrong” ? “Why would he hurt me like this”?.

I took responsibility. Before therapy and self-discovery I loathed you, I hated you, I hated myself. I would get goosebumps if I heard your name, I would get flushed and fever when I watched a movie that reminded me of good times we shared. I still get emotional when I see newborns, children, or pregnant women. If I didn’t have that connection to you, I would have moved on happily like you did, but I was connected to you through life. My body was yours, and yours only.  There was never someone else I was yours completely. You had access to my womb, my mind, my heart. After time passed we met up to talk about it so i could convey my pain, but honestly, I didn’t think you had the mental capacity to understand my pain and my experience. I remember you asked, “How could you want to be with someone who made you feel like that”? Why would you still want to be with me let alone talk to me”? My answer is, I believed you were the love if my life. Even though I was alone in my pain and trusted you to hold me up in my recovery, I still loved you. I was Surprised and disappointed that had to face recovery and redemption alone.
In many ways, I have moved on. 

I have rediscovered my own interest and needs. I have broadened my horizons, learned things I never knew, met new people, went back to college, but no matter how much progress I make, I often think of you. We were both young and didn’t know how to handle things as heavy as this. Neither one of us grrew up with great role models that were male, it was doomed to fail from the beginning. Am I your “One that got away”? Either way, writing this was necessary for me, it was necessary for my sanity and my healing process. I hope you will be able to love someone with your whole heart, and I hope it is reciprocated. Now that you have daughters you can be the best father, hero, and the only man they will ever need. You can give them what we both ner had, a present father. You can teach them how to protect their mind, body, and heart so that when those beautiful girls are faced with life’s difficulties they can approach it head on because their father gave them the tools to do so.

                                                                                                 -With Forgiveness, C.C 

Photo Cred: baucemag.com

A letter To My Unborn

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Dear Love,

Please don’t be upset with me, i did it for me and daddy. I know it sounds so selfish but i was scared, alone, and had no support. I think about you all the time, i always wonder what you would have looked like? would you have looked like me? would you have looked like your father? would you have those big beautiful brown eyes? or chocolate dark skin like me and daddy. Most nights i dream of you, you come in my dreams in all white, you touch my face with your tiny hand as i am down on my knees, you look at me in my eyes and say “mommy, i’m okay, god is watching me until you get here”, i cry when you walk away and take tiny steps into the white light, i want to hold you, i want to feel you. I’m sorry you had to feel the pain of being ripped apart, it was painful for mommy too, i thought about your tiny brain crushed, you little legs broken, your heart disconnected. I’m sorry i couldn’t protect you, i’m sorry that i didn’t listen to my first mind telling me to keep you.

I loved you from the moment i heard of your presence, but mommy wasn’t ready and daddy was just as lost as i was. I know you heard me crying at night, did you hear me? did you feel me rubbing you? telling you i love you? I can imagine your laugh if i tickled you all over. i can hear your cries from a fall, i can hear a coo and see your bare smile when i make funny faces. I can hear your cries, i can smell you. Can you forgive me? can you forgive me for ending a precious life before it begun? You would have been 10 years old by now, now that i think about it i could have made it work, you coming into this world wasn’t a curse or a burden, but a beautiful intricate gift from god. Mommy got help from your loss, i tried so hard to forget you but you remained in my mind, in my heart. No amount of medication or therapy would keep me from you, it didn’t matter what i did, you were always on my mind, In the morning when i would wake, until the evening when i would close my eyes. At night i pray that when i leave this world i can go straight to heaven to see you,  if you see me in heaven will you recognize me?  Mommy has healed and it took a lot of work on my end to come to terms with aborting you. Now all i can do is hope and pray that i will be blessed with another intricate gift from god, your brother or sister. Even though i never had the chance to meet you i love you like i would if you were here.

 

                           ♥♥♥ Thinking of you daily, love always

                                                                                                                         – Your Mommy