Mya Angelou once said “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.“ I choose to forgive you. I’m writing you this letter hoping that i can release some of my resentment and bitterness not only towards you, but towards what i did. My therapist says it would be therapeutic if i wrote a letter and pretended to send it. You probably will never read this letter, but i hope i will be able to heal and move once i have said what’s on my heart so here it goes………
I honestly can say you came into my life when i was young and unsure about boys. I was unsure about sex, and the overall expected interactions that take place between a girl and boy. I was 19 years old and i believed that there was a mutual feeling of comfort, innocence, and respect between us. Our careless actions brought me an enormous amount of pain, guilt, and regret. I was mad at myself for not being sexually responsible. Finding out i was pregnant rocked me to the core. I felt alone, i felt that you may have been afraid, were you afraid? did you allow yourself to feel at all? Our decision to end an innocent life still haunts me 11 years later. Did you ever acknowledge the child that lived in me? I know you have moved on and have 2 girls of your own. I envy you at times, the way you moved on unhinged and nonchalant after i had a life sucked from my womb and the repercussions were horendous. I was stuck in mental hell and i always asked myself “what did i do wrong” ? “Why would he hurt me like this”?.
I took responsibility. Before therapy and self discovery i loathed you, i hated you, i hated myself. I would get goosebumps if i heard your name, i would get flushed and fever when i watched a movie that reminded me of good times we shared. I still get emotional when i see new borns, children, or pregnant women. If i didn’t have that connection to you, i would have moved on happily like you did, but i was connected to you through a life. My body was yours, and yours only. There was never someone else I was yours completely. You had access to my womb, my mind, my heart. After time passed we met up to talk about it so i could convey my pain, but honestly i didn’t think you had the mental capacity to understand my pain and my experience. I remember you asked “How could you want to be with someone who made you feel like that”? Why would you still want to be with me let alone talk to me”? My answer is, i believed you were the love if my life. Even though I was alone in my pain and trusted you to hold me up in my recovery, i still loved you. I was Surprised and disappointed that had to face recovery and redemption alone.
In many ways I have moved on.
I have rediscovered my own interests and needs. i have broadened my horizons, Learned things i never knew, met new people, went back to school, But no matter how much progress i make you pop up in my mind often. We were both young and immature. Neither of us grew up with great male role models and it was doomed to fail from the beginning. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me after all this time, Am I your “One that got away?” Ether way this was necessary, for myself, for my sanity, for the process. I hope you receive good karma, I hope you can love someone the way I loved you and the feeling will be reciprocated. Now that you have daughters you can be the best father, hero, and man they will ever need, you can give them what we both never had, a present father. You can teach them how to protect their mind, body, and heart so that when those beautiful girls are faced with life’s difficulties they can approach it head on confidently because their father was present.
-With Forgiveness, C.C (mama)