Letter To My Ex

Dear Dre,

Mya Angelou once said “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody. I choose to forgive you. I’m writing you this letter hoping that i can release some of my resentment and bitterness not only towards you, but towards what i did. My therapist says it would be therapeutic if i wrote a letter and pretended to send it. You probably will never read this letter, but i hope i will be able to heal and move once i have said what’s on my heart so here it goes………

I honestly can say you came into my life when i was young and unsure about boys. I was unsure about sex, and the overall expected interactions that take place between a girl and boy. I was 19 years old and i believed that there was a mutual feeling of comfort, innocence, and respect between us. Our careless actions brought me an enormous amount of pain, guilt, and regret. I was mad at myself for not being sexually responsible. Finding out i was pregnant rocked me to the core. I felt alone, i felt that you may have been afraid, were you afraid? did you allow yourself to feel at all? Our decision to end an innocent life still haunts me 11 years later. Did you ever acknowledge the child that lived in me? I know you have moved on and have 2 girls of your own. I envy you at times, the way you moved on unhinged and nonchalant after i had a life sucked from my womb and the repercussions were horendous. I was stuck in mental hell and i always asked myself “what did i do wrong” ? “Why would he hurt me like this”?.

I took responsibility. Before therapy and self discovery i loathed you, i hated you, i hated myself. I would get goosebumps if i heard your name, i would get flushed and fever when i watched a movie that reminded me of good times we shared. I still get emotional when i see new borns, children, or pregnant women. If i didn’t have that connection to you, i would have moved on happily like you did, but i was connected to you through a life. My body was yours, and yours only.  There was never someone else I was yours completely. You had access to my womb, my mind, my heart. After time passed we met up to talk about it so i could convey my pain, but honestly i didn’t think you had the mental capacity to understand my pain and my experience. I remember you asked “How could you want to be with someone who made you feel like that”? Why would you still want to be with me let alone talk to me”? My answer is, i believed you were the love if my life. Even though I was alone in my pain and trusted you to hold me up in my recovery, i still loved you. I was Surprised and disappointed that had to face recovery and redemption alone.
In many ways I have moved on. 

I have rediscovered my own interests and needs. i have broadened my horizons, Learned things i never knew, met new people, went back to school, But no matter how much progress i make you pop up in my mind often. We were both young and immature. Neither of us grew up with great male role models and it was doomed to fail from the beginning. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think of me after all this time, Am I your “One that got away?” Ether way this was necessary, for myself, for my sanity, for the process. I hope you receive good karma, I hope you can love someone the way I loved you and the feeling will be reciprocated. Now that you have daughters you can be the best father, hero, and man they will ever need, you can give them what we both never had, a present father. You can teach them how to protect their mind, body, and heart so that when those beautiful girls are faced with life’s difficulties they can approach it head on confidently because their father was present.

 

 

-With Forgiveness, C.C (mama)

A letter To My Unborn

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Dear Love,

Please don’t be upset with me, i did it for me and daddy. I know it sounds so selfish but i was scared, alone, and had no support. I think about you all the time, i always wonder what you would have looked like? would you have looked like me? would you have looked like your father? would you have those big beautiful brown eyes? or chocolate dark skin like me and daddy. Most nights i dream of you, you come in my dreams in all white, you touch my face with your tiny hand as i am down on my knees, you look at me in my eyes and say “mommy, i’m okay, god is watching me until you get here”, i cry when you walk away and take tiny steps into the white light, i want to hold you, i want to feel you. I’m sorry you had to feel the pain of being ripped apart, it was painful for mommy too, i thought about your tiny brain crushed, you little legs broken, your heart disconnected. I’m sorry i couldn’t protect you, i’m sorry that i didn’t listen to my first mind telling me to keep you.

I loved you from the moment i heard of your presence, but mommy wasn’t ready and daddy was just as lost as i was. I know you heard me crying at night, did you hear me? did you feel me rubbing you? telling you i love you? I can imagine your laugh if i tickled you all over. i can hear your cries from a fall, i can hear a coo and see your bare smile when i make funny faces. I can hear your cries, i can smell you. Can you forgive me? can you forgive me for ending a precious life before it begun? You would have been 10 years old by now, now that i think about it i could have made it work, you coming into this world wasn’t a curse or a burden, but a beautiful intricate gift from god. Mommy got help from your loss, i tried so hard to forget you but you remained in my mind, in my heart. No amount of medication or therapy would keep me from you, it didn’t matter what i did, you were always on my mind, In the morning when i would wake, until the evening when i would close my eyes. At night i pray that when i leave this world i can go straight to heaven to see you,  if you see me in heaven will you recognize me?  Mommy has healed and it took a lot of work on my end to come to terms with aborting you. Now all i can do is hope and pray that i will be blessed with another intricate gift from god, your brother or sister. Even though i never had the chance to meet you i love you like i would if you were here.

 

                           ♥♥♥ Thinking of you daily, love always

                                                                                                                         – Your Mommy

Black Boy

 

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Credit: captain america civil war(2016)

Dear Black boy,

I can see your broken, i can feel that you had no one to guide you. Were you missing the man, the king known to be your father? did you hear his voice? did he put his masculine arms around you? did he tell you to stop crying when you fell? did he play ball with you? did he teach you about Malcolm X? Dr. King? Huey p. Newton? I have a feeling he didn’t, i can see you, a little black boy lost in a world full of racism, judgement, and discrimination. When i look at you i don’t see a grown man with facial hair. I don’t see height, or your broad shoulders, or your masculinty and a smile that can open the gates of heaven,  i see a boy, a scared boy, a boy who was forgotten, abused, unloved, and used.

I can tell he wasn’t there to talk to you about a queen, and as in queen i mean your mother, sister, aunt, cousin grandmother great grandmother,  the future mother of your children. He never told you what you needed, what you deserved, how, when, and where to love a woman. Did he talk to you about intimacy between a man and woman? did he teach you to protect yourself? did he teach you to be patient? follow her lead? did he teach you to never ever call a woman  a bitch or a whore? Naw, he didn’t. Now your a boy who has fathered children with women who hold no self-worth. You can barely teach your sons and daughters how to survive, how to  rightfully demand respect from society and the opposite sex, let alone how to have respect for themselves.

Did he teach you to ride a bike? count change? open a bank account? Did he encourage you to study hard? find a job and help your mother with household responsibilities? did he teach you how to tie your shoe or fight for your life when you were getting bullied? did he encourage you to read the bible? hold the door open for women? attend sunday service? Did he sign you up for sports? did he attend your games? was he cheering you on? did he help you study? did he teach you the words of langston hughes, Gil scott Heron, and james baldwin? did he teach you about your people? your ancestors who were brought here on ships, sold into slavery? Did he tell you what they died for? what they fought for?  did he teach you how to drive? Did he teach you to say “yes ma’m and and sir? did he teach you how to tie a tie? Did he hug you? Did he pick you up after a heartbreak? did he listen to your hopes and dreams? but most importantly, did he teach you to comply with the law? No, he didn’t because your jobless, uneducated, lack motivation, scared of you you are and what you might become can become. No, black boy, you’re robbing and stealing,and grinding, for a ticket to sit on that pedestal so you can shout from the top beating on your chest “SEE ME! I’M RIGHT HERE!  No black boy, your laying up making children, not married, cussin women, degrading women, the same woman you came from, THE BLACK WOMAN!

Oh, black boy i’m sorry that your father left you stranded to figure it all out on your own,  i’m sorry black boy that he left you for his own selfish reasons, and now you’re another statistic, a disgrace, another “black man of the system”. I feel for you black boy, but i can also heal with you, carry you, support your goals, listen to your worries, your fears, share your responsibilities, i will help you build our empire.

Black boy ,a wise man once said “Father” only means that you’re taking care of your children that’s what it is to be a father. “Father” doesn’t mean that you’re havin’ some babies. Anybody can have a baby. Havin’ a baby does not make you father. Anybody can go out and get a woman. But not anybody can take care of that woman. There’s another word for it: It’s called ‘responsibility.”    -Malcolm X

What you need to hear black boy is never kneel, look up and Stand, you are a king”.