Hey Girl!

(Story Contains Graphic Language)

“Damn”! i shouted as my Gucci Bloom perfume slipped from my greasy hands landing on my hardwood floor. Looking down at my ringing  phone was Tanisha, “I just talked to this heffa an hour ago”. The sound of “life is good” by Drake and future played as i started to shake my ass in the mirror. knowing the song would be over i decided to pick up “Hey Girl”  i let out a deep breath, “Tanisha, did i not talk to you an hour ago? what’s up? “Um, excuse me! i can call my best friend whenever i damn well feel like it, i don’t care if it was ten minutes ago, why do you have an attitude with me tramp”? “I don’t”, rolling my eyes “I’m trying to get dressed for my date with Don tonight”. i hear utter silence, did she just hang up on me?  “Uh, hello Nisha you there”? Tanisha sucked her teeth “Yea, i’m still here”, “Didn’t you hear what i just said”? “Yea, Yea i heard you, i was trying to think of how i was going to respond”.  This bitch was starting to piss me off “Go ahead say what you have to say, cause i know you have something to say, Tanisha”. I could hear the hesitation in her voice “Spit it out bitch”! “Okay, look i know you feeling Don and all, but i just have a feeling about him, i just don’t think that he is really interested, i think he is looking for something more, casual”. This bitch had her nerve, when she first met Eric i supported her, when Eric proposed, i was there, when she found out she was pregnant guess who was there? Me! this bitch was in the delivery room witnessing the worst horror show ever and now she wants to tell me about my relationship? Nisha was my best friend, my sister but i needed her to shut the fuck up, and support the Dick movement. “Here we go Nisha, same shit”. “Look i know, but when we went on that double date to the bowling alley, don stayed on his phone, he seemed like he didn’t want to be there, i just don’t want you hurt like the last time”. Water started to fill my eyes remembering what i went through with Dre. Shit i’m gong to mess up my freshly done make-up, i did an extra special beat for tonight.  i grabbed a tissue from my nightstand and dabbed my cheeks. ” Neesh i know you are worried and your looking out for me but i’m a big girl, i can handle whatever, its nothing serious, anyway we just having fun okay”?,  “Alright i’m not going to say anything else, i’m zipping my damn lips, you are right you are a big girl, a horny ass big girl, but none the less a big girl”.  I let out a chuckle “Shut up tramp, all my sexual needs will be met by the end of the night, don’t be jealous cause Eric had that little incident and ya’ll cant get down for another two weeks”.  Nisha gasped, ” I thought we weren’t going to bring that up”, she whispered “You know he is sensitive about that, plus he has a mouth, the dick is just a bonus”. ” Ewwww too much information”! We both laughed “Well i’m going to let you go i’m still trying to put the finishing touches on my hair”. “Alright now, that shit gone be all over your head in the morning anyway”. “Ha Ha! Whatever”!  “Be safe Simone”. “Okay Nisha”. “I love you”. Nisha replied  “I love you more”.

After the phone call i went back into the bathroom to apply edge control to my edges. I looked damn good tonight, i’m sure Don and i will get it popping when i hit the door, fuck it we can eat afterward. Laughing out loud i make my final twirl in my full size mirror ” “Simone you are a sexy bitch”. I blow a kiss to myself, grab my Gucci overnight bag and purse and head for the door.

Part 1 of 3 part series

Featured Photo: Innerbeautysavage.com

Where My Girls At?

I was asked a question the other day. They asked”Don’t you feel lonely without friends? I mean it’s good to have a life outside of us”. “Nope” is what I replied knowing damn well I was lying. I wanted to really say “Hell yea I miss my girl friends”. So I’m finally saying it out loud, I MISS MY GIRLS!!!!!! I understand that people who built everlasting bonds  loose touch and connection. Between careers, family, responsibilities, and making time for personal Rest and relaxation, it can become challenging keeping up with your girlfriends AKA your aces and or your ride or dies. I know I could have done things personally to make sure my friendships didn’t fizzle, but to be honest, i was always socially awkward. I have always been reserved, quiet, and pretty much by myself, Hell my Barbie dolls were my only friends as a child. The older I got the reservation became frequent and I didn’t know how to make  friends. I was familiar being by myself and my loneliness became natural. I was the quiet girl from Richmond California, and most of my peers called me “white girl” because I talked proper, was a huge fan of the group Nsync, and always had my big ass head in a book. It was hard for me to fit in with the “It Girls”, I was socially awkward. The only friend I had was My girl Mekia my best friend from elementary school. She would come over and we would dance in front of a Blowing fan with my mother’s good sheets wrapped around us singing and dancing to Selena’s “Bidi Bidi Bom Bom” and other Selena classics, ( two black girls from Richmond being hooked on Selena for quite a time). We had sleepovers, we would ride our bikes up and down 23rd street, and make frequent stops to Hill Top mall’s Claire’s to buy Nick knacks with our allowance. We would argue over which boy was the cutest (Usher, Justin Timberlake, or Marques Houston) We told each other about our first crush, but she ended up moving to another part of town and we attended separate schools.

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Adams Middle School Richmond Ca, (1998)

I missed her, even though we talked on the phone frequently, she and I Eventually had to adjust to being apart. She went on to make new friends, while I sat lonely and miserable attempting to make friends. Eventually when I entered Jr. High and slowly started to come out of my turtle shell. I would talk to classmates here and there, and judging from my peers spotting the Justin Timberlake mini poster I had in front of my clear binder Pocket I wasn’t the only one who enjoyed this amazing group.  Some of my peers had similar interest (cute white boys with blonde curly hair). At that moment I realized that I was not the only black girl in my jr. High that had a thing for white boys. I was ridiculed by my peers for being a “Black Girl” who went crazy over entertainers that didn’t look like me, but I didn’t care, I was convinced that Justin Timberlake and I would wed, and when we did, they wouldn’t be invited.

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My Room Richmond Ca, (1999)

I built some of my best friendships over Nsync and The Backstreet Boys. Not only did my new friends have the same interest as me, but they also looked like me too. Finally, I felt like I wasn’t the “whitewashed” girl everyone perceived me to be, there were others!!!!! 

I met Jamie, my ride or die, my Thelma to my Louise in  Junior High. We bonded over Nsync, and I was shocked when I learned we had more things in common other than boy bands. We clicked instantly, and from then on we were there for each other’s Teenage and early adult years. She was there for me through every heartache, crush and vice versa. I also built a friendship with another girl who lived in my neighborhood. We also became close. As we got older we were into the IMX’s and the B2K’s, not excluding Nsync, we were still hooked on them of course. Two Years went by and friend Kim(not her real name) moved to another state. I was devastated, I had built yet another bond with someone and they were leaving, but at least I had Jamie right? I decided to move to Stockton California with my aunt to attend my sophomore through senior year at a new high school. I was sad that I was leaving but I was excited to enter a new beginning. I needed a new environment and I thought maybe I could make new friends. Even though I lived two hours away from my sister/BFF we still remained close. At this time Mekia and I would keep in contact but it wasn’t the same not having her there, but once again, I had Jamie. I would go to Richmond to spend weekends with Jamie at her house, and she would spend some weekends with me in Stockton.  The distance never affected us because we were like sisters. While in my Junior year in high school I made new friends.

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Junior Year (2004) Kelli (bottom left) Ic’ee (upper left) and Tequilla (upper right) 

In Stockton California We all met through a chance encounter all caused by Stockton’s thick winter fog, The bus we were waiting on was late, it was a group of us girls waiting for that long yellow bus to arrive, so we decided to walk to one of the girl’s house to warm up and the rest was history.  From then on we became close, we would hang out at lunch and eventually after school. I liked these three girls, they were nice to me, and we had things in common. I felt so good about the friendship I had with these girls, so much so  that I introduced Jamie to them, we all clicked. We would all go places in our big group and for the first time in a long time I felt like I belonged, I didn’t have to fit I with the popular crowd because I felt popular when we were around each other. It was a sisterhood. Thereafter I met another girl we had two classes together, as soon as we talked and got to know one another, We clicked. we had a similar interests. She was the funniest outgoing person I ever met.

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Senior year (2005)

I could say that I had friends. I was finally adjusting to my new life in a new place. After graduating from high school, we were in each other’s lives for a moment. I moved back to the bay area to go to college and my girls stayed in Stockton to do Continue their education. We started to hang out less, even though we would chat on the phone from time to time. Jamie and I picked up where we left off when i moved back to the bay area and we were hanging with each other all the time! When I would visit my aunt in Sacramento California the girls and I would hook up and hang out since they only lived 30 minutes away from my aunt. 

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Shay, me and Kelli (2006)

When I would go back to the bay area we would talk on the phone and text. We all had our own lives at this point, so the phone calls would slow down and when we couldn’t get a hold of each other, Jamie was there, watching my back. The sisterhood bond that i built with my girls was slowly fading. I blame part of it on myself, but I knew that we would still love each other even though we were not around each other like we were as teens. We became older and faced our own individual journey’s, It happens.

Some of us moved to different states for school, some of us were just getting the hang of being responsible adults and figuring out what to make of our lives.

Jamie and I would still hang out along with another girl I met in high school Diamond(not her real name). Her, Jamie, and I had gotten really close. They were there for my transition into adulthood, they were there transitioning with me. They both were there for me through silly boy troubles, my abortion and depression. To be honest, while going through my depression i admit i pushed them away, I became more and more of a recluse. My depression hindered me and it affected my relationship with Jamie.

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Jamie and I (2007)

I didn’t want to hang out with my girls and when I had the had time to, I turned down every fun invitation. I was so closed off, I don’t think that Jamie had no idea the extent that the depression had over my life at that time. Jamie had been there for me when decided to terminate my pregnancy, but after i fell into darkness. Depression took away the most important thing to me; my girls. I felt that if I talked to them about my depression I would be looked at as a burden.  I didn’t want to keep talking about my depression with them, for one, I was the Debbie downer all the time, and two, I wasn’t the same Cecilie they had grown to love. I was not myself and I was embarrassed for them to see me that way, weak, and vulnerable.  To this day I don’t think Jamie really knew how dark of a place I was in.

2009 is when I met my now husband, Diamond, Jamie and I didn’t see or talk to one another a lot. Partially, my fault, I didn’t make too much of an effort because I was so busy getting to know this new guy and all my energy was spent on my happiness. Diamond  and I continued to talk over the phone when we needed one another for advice and support, she was also busy being a new mom. By this time Jamie had a child. I noticed that her and diamond’s time was taken up by motherhood, and I was just getting into this new relationship with my guy. Somewhere between my relationship with him, and my relationship with them, communication was lost in translation. I felt a strain between all three of us. We even fell out and had a big argument over something i cant remember. Some things were said and i knew then that the connection had severed, and things weren’t going to be the same as it was. My sisters were no longer. They say “people come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime”, Was that the case for all my fizzled friendships? Did God only place them there for a short term? All the laughs, secrets, and fun times? that’s it? it’s just over? Like that?

I needed my girls to be there through the happiest times in my life, and I needed to be there for theirs. Baby showers, births, Bridal showers, engagement celebrations, weddings, job promotions, all those experiences should be shared with your closest friends. By no means am I perfect, I don’t even think I was a perfect friend, but I did the best I could to support and be there for them, and that was all I could have done. My girls from high school also had children of their own, in which I’m very happy for them, we talk from time to time. Whether we decide to connect again or not, I still hold those memories we created, and think of them pretty often. I hate to admit it, but yes, I definitely feel lonely in my life right now. Other than my co-workers, my husband, and dog, I have no social life, So I often ponder the question; “Where my girls at”?

“Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m glad for that.”
– Ally Condie

Have you  had  similar experiences with friends? Did you grow apart overtime?  If so, what could you have done differently? Share your thoughts below ⬇⬇⬇

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5 Things Every Black Woman Needs To Hear From Their Significant Other

As a black woman in today’s society it’s hard for some to  acknowledge struggles that black women face in society and have faced for years. We are wives, mothers, daughters,  and entrepreneurs, but yet i feel that we are not acknowledge enough by our people and by our men. We work, go to school, bear children, cook, pay the bills, do the shopping. We are expected to do all this and perform to the highest standard in the bedroom. There are rewards and incentives that should be implemented in order for us to continue to feel like we matter, that we are needed and wanted. Everyone needs a little Positive descriptive acknowledgement(PDA). I learned of this through my early childhood education training’s. The term (PDA) or positive descriptive acknowledgment is basically praise we give children when they act on a positive interaction or behavior, it is used to build a child’s confidence and to encourage more of the positive behavior. I believe adults need this also. Who wouldn’t want to hear praise in great detail? I know i would feel warm inside if someone acknowledged my good actions and qualities. To use PDA on a woman is Not just saying “man babe that fried chicken was good” but describing the positive action or behavior “babe dinner was delicious i appreciate you taking the time to make this meal for the family”. Not only do you try this with your significant other, but try it on your friendly cashier at a local grocery store, your bubbly waitress at your favorite restaurant, even a helpful retail employee, i promise it does wonders. Take notes! Black women need to feel appreciated! Which brings me to number 1:

1. I appreciate you

From picking our kids up from school, to grocery shopping, doing laundry, cooking, making kids their lunch, making the husband his lunch, it is in us to nurture and take care of our family. When we do meet needs of our family and go far and beyond we just need a little something to show that the people we take care appreciates our acts of care and pure well being. So when a man comes home to a clean house, dinner, and some nasty adult behavior It helps to let your lady know “thank you babe” be specific on what your thankful for “thank you for cooking my favorite meal, thank you for cleaning the house, thank you for putting the kids to bed, i really appreciate everything you do for us”. Women need to hear this daily!!!!!!

2. You Are Loved

Women need to know and hear that we are sexy no matter if we have wide hips, big behind, or non existing breasts.  We as women tend to pick our bodies apart and compare our bodies to other women’s bodies, i know i do, but when you have a man that loves your weight, stretchmarks, saggy breast, flabby arms, wide thighs and much more you realize that what society considers beautiful doesn’t matter because you have a man that thinks you are the most beautiful in his world, the Beyonce to his Jay- z , the Jada to his Will. When i have one of my days where i’m not feeling what i’m wearing and insecure, sometimes we need our men to make a deposit to our confidence bank. We would like to hear ” you are right for me, every part of you is beautiful,you are enough, you are my queen”. When i hear these words something inside me rises, my confidence goes from 0 to 100 and i feel confident in my own skin, not only do i know i’m sexy, but my significant other knows it too.

3. You Are Respected

Would you ever disrespect your mother by calling her a bitch or a Hoe? would you want a man or woman to call your daughter out of her name and abuse her? So why do we do it to our women? I have been called a bitch, and i have heard women being called bitches and hoes. The same women that you are calling a bitch is someone who contributes to this world. As women we need respect, we want respect, we demand respect. Respect is what we have earned, people respect all women/men no matter what decisions or experiences that women have gone through. When there is no respect shown, that can’t  be reciprocated. We have to set an example for the younger generation. We have to teach society that women carry a lot of power, a power that men alone cannot hold. Women, we also need to set boundaries for ourselves when it comes to us respecting ourselves and other women. When a man/person acknowledges that you have boundaries and expectations it leaves no room for disrespect. My favorite author and life coach Iyanla Vanzant stated ““We have such a rich culture and in that culture, there are roles and purposes and powers, we live in a society now where women are commodities, where women are demeaned, diminished, demoralized in ways that we accommodate, And if we really understood who we are as feminine representations of the creator of the universe, some of the things that we experience in life — like crying when the unemployed boo boo leaves us , if we really understood who we are, we wouldn’t be so apt to let other people define us and confine us. We are out of order!”. Ladies we must respect ourselves, we must carry standards and believe in our morals in order to gain the respect that is deserved and necessary.

4. Its Okay

As women we are expected to be superhuman. Work, raise the children, prepare the meals, clean, fold laundry, picking up and dropping off kids at school,  hold down the house And while the husband is away, still keeping our personal dreams alive, but at times it can become overwhelming mentally and physically. Some of us might be depressed, drained, and loose sight of our own happiness and what we want. When we hit a stump in the road and we feel like we are not in control, when it’s too much pressure, too much demanded tell her it’s okay, tell her she Doesn’t have to take it on by herself. Every great man needs a greater woman to stand next too. Becoming a team and keeping open communication supports the union and love between lovers.

5. I can’t do this without you

So many responsibilities are put on “The man of the castle”. Whether it’s his job,  bills, household repairs, men can’t do it all without a strong woman behind him supporting him. Just because men are strong, does nor necessarily  mean that they can’t feel or become overwhelmed. At times i believe that men can be just as sensitive as women. Men go through challenges, hardships, loss, and self doubt often. Men need a woman that’s going to listen, a woman who is loyal and honest, a woman that is going to give him the gut wrenching low down dirty truth. Men need to feel like they can trust their woman with everything. When a man feels secure and know that you are down for him with the utmost  loyalty, they will want you there through all life challenges. When he is down on his luck he will look to god and to his woman to pick him up, when he gets laid off his woman should do whatever is necessary to make sure the family is taken care of while her man looks for work. He shouldn’t have to carry the load in his own, he needs support from his woman. When challenges and obstacles arise, women should hear “i can’t do this without you babe, i need you”.

 

Ecclesiastes 4:9: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?”

 

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 Photo Credit: If Beale street could Talk film (2018)

 

 

 

 

 

The Healing

At this point in my life i focused on getting mentally better and becoming spiritually  stronger. I was anxious about Rachel’s vineyard but i knew that it was what i needed to heal. God and i had plenty of conversations throughout the day and night. My faith was stronger than it had ever been. Being in a relationship was the furthest thing from my mind, i really just wanted to be alone, i wanted to figure out what kind of woman i was going to become after the storm dissipated.

I still attended therapy once a week and took my Ativan as prescribed. Ativan made me sleep most times so i would usually take them at night to help me with my insomnia and anxiety. I was was still unsure of the Prozac, i knew i needed to take it. My relationship with God was becoming stronger, but the feeling of hopelessness and dread still remained.  I knew that if i started to take the medication or at least try it, i would become the person i was before my abortion. I knew God had was the only healer i needed, but i realized that physically i needed some relief, My brain was experiencing a chemical imbalance. I started taking the Prozac daily and i noticed a change in my mood,  i started to feel normal again, i figured the Prozac was starting and already had taken its course, working through my bloodstream and making its way to my unbalanced brain.

My mom and i were transitioning to move. I was excited to get away from the place where i had experienced my depression and trauma. After we moved into our new place, i finally felt like things were getting better for me. Dre would pop into my mind on occasion, but when the thoughts of us entered my mind i would do something to distract me.  I figured if he really loved me and wanted me, he would make an effort to do so, but he never did. My aunt invited me to take a trip to New York city. My anxiety screamed “no”!, but my gut told me to go for it. I had never been out of northern California, EVER! i had never been on a plane, Shocking right? This was the time for me to take chances and experience things i never experienced. This was my redemption. In 2009 at the beginning of summer i took my first trip to New York. I enjoyed the trip, it was fun aside from the rude new York people. I was content, i had no panic attacks, no depression, i was actually able to enjoy my surroundings and the company of my aunt and her best friend. Before my new York trip i started talking to a guy on Myspace, yes! i typed right, Myspace!. He seemed really nice so i thought what would be the harm in just talking and getting to know one another. We exchanged numbers and we started to talk daily. We even talked while i was discovering new York. This guy was different, he wasn’t what i was used to at all, i knew he wasn’t Andre. He listened and he was consistent. I really liked him. I knew that i had to have “the talk” with him when i returned from new York but that that moment i enjoyed Manhattan and Harlem. I saw so many people, i saw so many beautiful things my senses were occupied with something other than nervousness and fear. I had so many thoughts running through my head about this new guy, Would he think that i’m weak? would he think that i’m crazy? is he going to accept my skeletons if we get serious? Would he hurt me the way my ex hurt me?

When i returned to California i came back a new person. I looked at life differently. Even though i was only in new York for a week i felt liberated. I was confident and the anxiety and depression not once visited.  The day that i returned home i agreed to meet this new guy in person. We decided to meet at a train station. He rode the train home with me. He was, sweet caring, attentive, and very patient. We talked the whole train ride. It was something about him that put me at ease, i was able to be my new self around him. We continued to talk after our first encounter.  We went on dates but i knew that i had to tell him my truth before we went any further.

I was nervous and thought the worst before i told him, but if we were going to get serious he needed to know my truth. One night while we had one of our intellectual conversations i told him. His reaction surprised me. He didn’t judge, he did not criticize, he just listened. From there we went on romantic dates, he would bring me flowers, we would talk and laugh and enjoy each others company. I knew he was the one because he watched one of my favorite romantic movies “The notebook”, i don’t think any other guy would have tolerated a movie of that nature. As weeks went by we grew close, we were connected at the hip, wherever he was, i was. He had turned into my best friend. As i continued to heal and overcome my depression. Christine and i still continued to communicate and she was a huge supporter and available whenever i needed to talk. I liked our talks because she would revert some of my concerns and cite bible verses. She would tell me “God has forgiven you, he loves you, as long as you believe in him and ask him for forgiveness from your heart, you will be forgiven”. See, that is what i admired about her, She didn’t judge or patronize me, she reminded me of Gods grace and she reminded me that God loves unconditionally. On a day that i needed support and called her she let me know that there would be a post abortion retreat 40 minutes away from where i lived. She gave me details about the retreat and what things were going to take place for my healing, i agreed.thumbnail (8) She explained what the retreat was and what the retreat entailed. I knew it would be beneficial if i attended especially since i knew god was added to the equation for my healing. Before the weekend retreat Christine sent me resources, and a packet on what i would need to know about the retreat. One thing that really stood out in the packet was a letter regarding the a  letter explaining the memorial service that will be held on the last day of the retreat.  I already was having doubts. I never expected a memorial service for my unborn child. It was fitting considering the circumstances. I realized i was given an opportunity to say a proper goodbye to my child. Excited and anxious, i had to think about how i wanted to ask my new guy to join me.  Would this be the ice breaker? is it going to be too much to ask of him so early? Well his response surprised me…………

 

Continued in Part. 5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Battle

After the procedure I purposely looked down to see if I could see remains of my baby, I saw nothing. I know it sounds disturbing but i needed to know that it was done. The nurse helped me to my bed in a recovery room where the other girls were. Some girls laid in their recovery beds crying and some vomiting  from the anesthesia, probably from the whole experience. I felt like a part of me left when my baby was taken, but i had programmed my brain to think that this was for the best and how i would have relief from not being pregnant anymore would, i though that would sustain me.  I laid for 30 minutes in the recovery hospital bed. A nurse gave me the green light to get dressed and go home, I was prescribed pain medication. My mother came to pick me up and from the clinic. My best friend waited at the train station, my mom picked her up on the way home. I looked to see if there were any missed calls from him, nothing. Once I got home I quickly took a shower, changed into comfy clothes,  and took my pain medication. Jamie and i sat in my room watching television and eating popeye’s chicken. Furious I called him and on the first answer he sounded irritated by me calling i asked “where were you”? In tears I asked, he replied “man, I will get there when I get there”, and he hung up on me. The feeling that I had after the phone call was a feeling I had never experienced in my life. My heart broke was broken. I felt alone,and  stupid. If my best friend did not come that weekend I don’t know what I would have done. My ex stopped calling after that day. I was devastated.  How could he leave me after this traumatic event? What did I do wrong? Why would he do this to me? My spirit was crushed.

 I convuninced myself  the abortion was the right thing to do and that I should feel relieved that I didn’t have to carry that burden of potentiality raising a child alone. I didn’t feel relief at all, I was overcome with enormous guilt. Amy Winehouse  “back to black” album was the soundtrack of my life at that time. I tried my best to move on without my ex, but i was a mess. I tried to push him and  the abortion out of my mind. My best friend Jamie helped me, she was the rock I leaned on for support.

Putting the abortion behind me, i tried to live my life as normal as possible. I worked with children so it was hard to look at them and not think of what I had done. I would became sad, my appetite was non existent, and i lost 30 lbs, i thought that’s a good thing at least i didn’t turn to food, drugs, or promiscuous sex that could have affected me mentally and physically.

It was a surprise when my best friend Jamie let me know that my ex was looking for me just 3 months after my abortion. Jamie dated his friend at the time and she always mentioned that my ex would ask about me. When she asked my permission for her to give him my number I was nervous but mostly mad, he had big balls to ask about me after all these months.  Nonchalantly i gave her permission, i told her “Sure, give him my number I have a bone to pick with this ass”. He called me later that night. Hearing his voice again made me smile, i missed our times together, i missed having fun and talking to him, but in the back of my mind, i thought of how he left me all alone to grieve alone. When we talked for the first time in months he claimed he wanted to come see me and that he wanted to apologize for the way things went down between us. I agreed to meet him outside of my apartment building. In the cold of the night, he came. When he first walked up I felt a blood rush of emotion, anger, love, and nervousness. “you look good cc”. He said smiling like nothing ever happened, “thanks” I replied, that was  the only reply that I could mustered up. He spent a half an hour apologizing and the other half hour trying to get into my apartment. “Typical male” is what I thought to myself. He did not get into my pants that night, but he got into something much worse, my heart.

We tried the relationship again. I fell even harder for him. Things were great until a female started to call my phone frequently saying that  my was sleeping with her too. I asked him about it and he denied it.

I spent the night at his house on one ocassion. It was my first time meeting his mother. It seemed things were looking up for our relationship. The next morning the same girl who was stalking me and calling me daily(and late at night) was at his door, she came to fight, she came to draw blood. Till this day I don’t even know if she knew I was there but I was too busy thinking of a way to escape the apartment he lived in. My ex physically fought this girl and her brothers, defending himself from them jumping him. I was looking for a way out to run, I didn’t know what she was capable of.  I didn’t do this, this wasn’t me to fight, let alone over a guy. I was scared, I didn’t know what this girl would do once she found out I was there, i was ready to defend myself if it came down to it. My ex came back into the house five minutes later with bloody knuckles and scratches on his face, I then asked him to take me home. After that I thought things couldn’t get any worse but sure enough it did. A few days after the debacle he and I were on the phone talking like we would regularly do. He sounded weird, he said “cc I have something to tell you, I got my ex pregnant”Coldness ran through me, “she is keeping the baby, so I have a kid on the way”. My world stopped, my heartbeat raced. “I’m so sorry cc I fucked up, i know i lied and said i didn’t know her but I have to take care of my responsibilities”. “Are you kidding me? i screamed “So, you got this same girl who has been calling and harassing me, and who beat you up pregnant? And you’re saying you have a responsibility”? I was livid! i thought he loved me, i thought we were moving in the right direction. Yet again he treated me as if I were a random girl. I feilt so stupid and betrayed. I thought about my child. What made this girl so special that she got to keep hers with his full support.

I couldn’t bear talking to him, the thought of what he just confessed  made me sick. I hung up and cut off all contact with him once more, that was it for me, i didn’t deserve this. I didn’t’ want to be a part of the drama, my heart could only take so much from him at this point.

Moving on was hard. I thought I loved my ex but I couldn’t be with him. He showed me that he couldn’t be honest, he showed me that he didn’t respect me, he showed he didn’t love me like he said. Months went by, my life went on. I started to smoke cigarettes, i had difficulty sleeping so i would take sleep aides to help me with insomnia. On Thanksgiving Day in 2008 things took a turn for the worse. One night I felt like I was dying, my heart was beating out of my chest, i thought i was having a heart attack, at my age that couldn’t be possible. I told my mom and she drove me to the emergency room. When I got there, I was sure they were going to say heart attack or stroke, it was neither, it was a panic attack. I stayed in the hospital overnight and when I was discharged a nurse gave me a paper describing what panic attacks are and what I can do to help alleviate symptoms. When I arrived home, fear swept through my body, I was scared to be left alone, I feared that I would have another panic attack. Things went down a dark tunnel from there. I was anxious all the time, I couldn’t concentrate at work or at home. I felt like I was outside of my body and that my sense of reality was distorted, was I going mad? It came to a place where my symptoms would be so intense that I thought I would lose control and go crazy. I decided to see a therapist to find out what was going on with me. The first visit to see my therapist was uneventful. I Had one hour to explain why I was having these scary panic attacks. I was hoping that she would tell me what was wrong with me. My therapist then referred me to a psychiatrist for medication. I didn’t want to take medication, I didn’t know how my body would react to them, so I declined.

 My anxiety progressed, both my psychiatrist and therapist diagnosed me with a severe depression and a anxiety condition. I was suicidal, I felt there was nothing left, the memories from him, the abortion, what he revealed, it was a feeling in me that I couldn’t explain, I couldn’t even explain it today.  I was hopeless and, sad. I no longer invested time in my friendships, I lost great friends, I became  a recluse.  I turned down invitations, i missed important events in my friends lives, i stopped calling them and would ignore calls that came from them. I was ashamed, i was embarrassed, i didn’t want them to see how weak i had become. The sweet, funny, bubbly enthusiastic cecilie that they knew had gone. I considered taking my own life, but i thought about my mother and sister. If I were to leave this earth her daughter would be no more, and she wouldn’t be the same. I also knew that it was alap a sin to take my life. The anxiety controlled ny life. I was scared to leave my house, my thoughts ran a mile a minute and I had no one to talk to about it. My mother even noticed that I was not the same. Instead of being a sinner I turned to the lord when I had suicidal thoughts, I grew up in the church, so it was time for me to develop a solid connection to God, I needed god’s forgiveness and mercy. I remember falling to my knees weeping, i started to pray “lord god whatever this is inside me heal me from it, make me stronger”. I prayed so much that getting on my knees was routine. I started reading the bible and getting into the word. I knew that if anyone else wouldn’t be there, I knew Jesus would be there. I reconsidered medication, because the anxiety was getting worse. My psychiatrist prescribed 20 milligrams of Prozac and 40 milligrams of Atarax, after. At this time, I wasn’t sure why the chemicals in my brain had changed, I never once thought that it could have been because of the abortion, i thought it was from all the stress with Dre. My therapist and I talked about the symptoms but we both didn’t know the cause.

I took the Atarax as prescribed, but it just made me so groggy, it made me numb and I didn’t like that feeling. My anxiety was at an all-time high, racing thoughts, thoughts of me going crazy, I was scared to be alone, I feared the worst. I had to do something to get relief, I went to god, I prayed my knees constantly with tears, I would cry  “god what is wrong with me? Heal me? I know I’m not perfect, but I’m tired, I don’t know if I can take this any longer”. I remember going to my mother in tears, I think she was worried and fearful to see me in that state, being this vulnerable, this sad. I asked her to pray with me, and she did. We both got on our knees and she held my hand while I wept uncontrollably, after the prayer she wiped my tears and told me that god would take care of me. From that day I started to read the bible. I was getting familiar with my with the word, and familiar with prayer. I grew up in church but sometimes people lose their way and lose sight of what god has planned for their life, so they make their own stories, and that was me. I picked up my grandmother’s bible and started at genesis. Every day I read a chapter and made a point to pray all throughout that day. I took an anxiety class at my local clinic. I started to read up on mindfulness and how to use certain tools for the anxiety, I even took a yoga class on Saturdays, yoga was now apart of my daily routine. I never would have thought that I would be meditating, taking yoga, and reading the bible faithfully, me?  but this was my life, this is what I needed to recover, not just to recover but I needed the Lord’s forgiveness and guidence. My mother wanted to know more about anxiety and why it affected me the way it did so she joined me in one of my counseling sessions. She asked “why is my daughter going through this? What causes this”? she asked all the necessary questions a parent would ask about their child mental health and well being. My therapist told my mother “Sometimes people go through stressful situations and trauma, the brain reacts in such a way that our anxiety heightens”.  My mother and i never made the connection of what trauma could have took place. I had a great childhood, I was loved, my father wasn’t in my life, but my mother filled that void. Me being fatherless may have affected me  but in this instance what other drama could have taken place? 

My aunt who helped raise me worried about my mental state. She had no idea that I was in a deep depression and wanted to take my life. I sat and talked to her, I let her know i wanted to leave this earth, i wanted to kill myself. Tears ran from her eyes “I had no idea, that it had gotten that bad, maybe I could have done a better job at supporting you” she replied. I knew that there was nothing that she did, or nothing she could have done. She loved me like a daughter. She wanted to see me happy. She suggested that I come visit her for a weekend, so I could get away from the environment that could have caused the trauma. I accepted. I would still think of dre often. I wondered if he ever loved me at all. I wondered if i would be able to love again. I’m glad that I went to visit that weekend, that trip would keep my mind off of dre. God knew what he was doing, my aunt’s invitation led to how i discovered the root of the anxiety and depression…………

 

Pic Credit: Hopkinsmedicine.org

Continued In Part. 3

The Beginning

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credit: google/kirz art

The inspiration for me starting a blog was this reason and this one reason only…. I had an abortion. I now live with regret, guilt, and a depressive disorder. I felt like in this situation, i had no say. I’m putting everything on the line for the sake of my sanity and spirit. I’m being completely honest about my abortion story. I have asked the lord for forgiveness, i have gone through the storm. I have to expel all the emotions and memories that still haunt in me from a decision i made almost 11 years ago. I now suffer from anxiety and severe depression. After you read my story, just keep in mind that many women who have terminated a pregnancy were backed into a corner, they felt like they had no support from  their family, friends, and their significant other. I can honestly say didn’t have much support from the person i was with and that is what contributed to me making the decision i made. I too take full responsibility. Do i regret it? yes, will i deal with this for the rest of my life? yes!  do i still blame myself for not following my heart? YES! 

This is my abortion story.

It was 2007 i met my ex through a friend and immediately we hit it off. He was tall, dark, handsome, had a beautiful smile, and caring. I loved our conversations and when we spent time together it was as if we knew each other for years. He would tell me I’m beautiful, and smile at me like i was the only girl in the room. He would look into my eyes. We got physical rather quick and i loved  being close to him in that way, i loved the intimacy. Protection was used the first time we were intimate but after that we stopped using protection. I figured i was only with him, i trust him with my body, i know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I did have some anxiety about sexual transmitted diseases. The images of diseased filled vagina’s and penis’s popped into my head from sexual health class that i took my senior year of high school, but i ignored it and trusted him anyway. The young and naive girl in me didn’t fear pregnancy because i never had consistent cycles.(funny right?) Pregnancy was the farthest thing from my mind. My interpretation of the relationship when i look back on it now, was strictly physical. We had great sex, but i let our physical encounters trick my mind think that it was something more, I wanted more. I assumed that because i had let him inside my womb that we were automatically in the serious monogamous relationship. We never really went on dates like normal “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”. We barely left the comfort of my mother’s apartment complex. But just being around him made me happy.

The “exchanges” that we had were incredible, oozing sin and lust, but i did want more, i really liked him, i wanted to see where it could go. He was 21 i was 20, me being young of course i would connect great sex as a relationship right? i was so naive. He knew all the right words and the right things to do to me to give him what he came for each time, and that was sex. Even though we didn’t go on dates i just enjoyed being in his space. I believed he loved me but he didn’t now how to love me correctly, not the way i wanted to be. He had his background story and i realized why he couldn’t give himself to me fully let alone another woman. I tried to show him support, and listened when he confided in me about his rough childhood, his life as a young black male, and challenges he faced being a young black male.  I promised that whatever he told me i would secure it with my being, that i would support him and provide whatever i could. I tried to be the supportive “girlfriend”. I would ask him about his feelings and fears, but he would circle around the answer and we would just end up having being intimate and those things were forgotten. It had to be official if he had met my mom and sister. I thought to myself”oh yea Cecilie we got this in the bag he wouldn’t hurt you he has met your mother, your safe girl”. That was far from the truth.

I noticed a change in my ex, but thought i was important enough to fix him, i thought that i would be the girl he’d stick with because he had shared so many personal details about his life with me. In November of 2007 I remember catching the Bart to his place at night, on my 21st birthday. For my birthday he had given me a porcelain Christmas egg, you know the ones you can buy from rite aid or CVS by the candy isle? it was sweet, i thought “okay, a Christmas egg, he has giving me an egg for my birthday.”  (Red Flag) that meant he really didn’t know me at all, or what I liked but i know he meant well. After the egg exchange we were intimate  and i believe that was the night we conceived.

Two and a half months later things between my ex and i  were pretty normal.  I started to h ave strong feelings for him. He would come over, we would talk, laugh, eat, talk and to the bedroom we went. At the end of January in 2008 i was in for a shock of my life. One day at work there was a potluck and i had ate something that didn’t agree with me, i figured what i ate was probably spoiled. The day after the potluck i called in sick because i felt really nauseous. I decided to drink a ginger ale to take some of the nausea away but i was still nauseous. I called up my best friend and mentioned to her that i felt sick and that it must have been what i ate the day before. she said to me “um you might be pregnant”, i laughed and said “I don’t think so, i can’t get pregnant i don’t have consistent cycles”, then she laughed hysterically and said “girl i think you should take a test”. It didn’t hurt to try. I was certain that it was just the bad tacos that had me feeling sick. That weekend i caught the Bart to Richmond  where my best friend lived. We caught the city bus to Walmart inside of hilltop mall, i bought a test and she insisted that i go to the bathroom quickly to take the test. I thought “this is crazy, i’m not pregnant, we are both  going to feel so stupid once the results say “negative”.  We went to the bathroom and she followed behind. I chose a stall, pee’d on the stick and waited for the negative results. “What does it say”? she asked from the other side of the door “can i wipe first”? I replied. After i took care of cleaning myself i pulled up my pants I knew by this time i would see a result. I glanced over to the tissue holder and saw a positive result “oh shit” i thought “this can’t be”. “What does it say!?” my best friend yelled loud enough for the whole mall to hear. I stepped out of the stall “positive”. “Girl you lying!”. I handed her the test “look!.” she looked down “oh it says positive”, maybe you should take the second test”. At this time i was in shock, i just knew this wasn’t right. I didn’t have any more urine to give at that time to test with so i waited until we got back to her house to take another one. Once we left the mall and made it back to her house i took the second test, the results were positive. i couldn’t believe it, i has a mixture of feelings, happy, scared, confused. “what you gone do”? she asked as we sat on her bed “i’m not sure. I called my ex and let him know that i was pregnant. His reaction didn’t surprise me but, it wasn’t what i thought he would say either,”i want you to be happy, do what your heart tells you”, I was looking for more than what he said. We talked briefly and promised to met up to discuss what we were going to do. I called my other best friend and she expressed that i should have the baby. That night while my best friend slept soundly in the bed next to me i thought of this life growing inside me. I thought about how my ex and i would have a family and i would give birth to his first child. Those thoughts made me look forward to becoming a mother. In the end it was up to me to come up with solution and fast, was i really going to have a baby?,  the next challenge was me breaking the news to my mother.

I felt nervous, just as any young girl would before telling her mother that she is knocked up, and not only that, but her daughter fornicating. Once I told her and the look on her face crushed me she started to ask so many questions,  “where will the baby sleep? you still live with me, This place is small, how will you take care of it”? “did you tell him”? i burst out in tears, she said “having a baby right now is not good for you, or him”. She then suggested that my ex come over so we could all talk about our options. Of course the first option was abortion. Him and my mother really leaned against that option, i was surprised that he wanted me to kill my child, his child. I was hoped he would tell me to keep it, my gut told me to keep it. That night we all came to a decision, abortion. That innocent life was growing inside me. I knew that i didn’t want to abort but what other choice did i have? But If that would keep my ex and i together then i would do it, i wanted to take that risk. Before i could go any further i wanted confirmation with  actual blood work, inside i was still hoping that the digital test had a glitch and that i really wasn’t pregnant. My coworker at the time knew something was up. She approached me on my lunch and asked what was wrong with me, i remember she walked into the break room with taco bell and the smell of meat at that time made me very sick. She asked “What’s wrong? you look different”. I looked up at her and somehow she knew right away “you’re pregnant”? i nodded. “does the father know”? she asks, i nodded “what are you going to do”? she asked “i’m not sure”. Then she says something i will never forget she said “you have so much to offer the world, you’re so young, do you really want to become another statistic? a young black single mother pushing a baby in a stroller”?

 

Unintended pregnancy rates are highest among low-income women (i.e., women with incomes less than 200% of the federal poverty level), women aged 18–24, cohabiting women and women of color.2 Rates tend to be lowest among higher-income women (at or above 200% of poverty), white women, college graduates and married women.

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I looked at her with sadness in my eyes,  i shook my head “no”. “One day it will be the right time you’ll get married and do it the right way but right now do you think you could take care of another human being? is he ready”?.  After i cried she lent a helping hand, and ear, she even drove me to the doctor so i could do blood work . The blood work came back positive and all my fears had been confirmed. Immediately I had to get rid of “the “problem”. I received a referral from my primary OBGYN. Once i told the nurse over the phone that i wanted to terminate the pregnancy, she gave me a number and i called that day to make an appointment. The day of the appointment was nerve racking, i noticed my ex didn’t seem to enthusiastic about joining me at the clinic for my consultation, in fact he didn’t answer his phone and he showed up late. The nurse took me to a room told me to stay in the room until the video was over, it was watch a video telling me what to expect. I admit i was terrified, but i thought once this is over him and I will become more closer. We would both be employed and we can try again once had our own place.  After the informative video i did blood work and an ultrasound. The nurse told me to remove my pants and underwear, i went to lay on the exam table with my feet in stirrups, she put a condom on a probe  and proceeded to do a vaginal ultrasound. I noticed she  faced the screen away from me, “It looks like your nine weeks” she said. I tried to look at the screen but it was turned so that i couldn’t see. She then removed the probe.”You can put on your pants now, i’ll be back”. She printed a photo of the ultrasound and placed it into my file, i peeked inside my file, There it was my “little burrito” that’s  because it looked like a burrito, my eyes started to fill with tears ”oh my baby, i’m so scared, look at you, you’re so small”. The nurse knocked on the door, i hurried and closed my file, wiped my eyes  and she led me to the counselor’s office. The whole time this lady talked all i could think about was the “little burrito” that was growing inside me. I thought ” do i really want this”? a lot of girls my age have babies it’s not the end of the world, we could do this”. I was interrupted by the counselor “Ms. Anderson do you hear me”? i looked up at the counselor “yes”. she asked me if i was sure about my decision i told her yes she then set up the time and date to come in for my procedure. I walked out and saw my ex sitting waiting for me in the waiting room. The walk took to the nearest train station was quiet. He kissed me and we both exchanged “I love you’s” before we went out separate ways. He promised that he would be there for me on that day, he promised to never leave me.

The day after my consultation i let my supervisor know that i would be out that following Friday due to minor surgery, i let my co- worker know that took me to the Lab and she said that she would cover for me, i was grateful that she showed me so much support and she made me think of the future.  I was scared, nervous, and felt alone. I didn’t know what to expect. My best friend Jamie promised that she would be there when i got home from the clinic  and she was. I called my exthe night before the procedure but he never answered. I started to worry. I couldn’t wait on him though, i had to go through with this alone. That day was grey, the skies were filled with dark clouds and rain. My mother drove me to the clinic, she dropped me off and told me to call her once i was done. When i walked back into the clinic there where other girls there, African american white, and Latino, with the same look on their faces. They looked terrified, one girl even sat in tears. Once i checked in the nurse called me to the back, i changed into my hospital gown and put a spandex belt around my waist to hold the pad that i would have to wear after the procedure. I wanted to run, i wanted to keep my baby but my ex boyfriend was i all i could think about. How the fuck did it come to this? how could i have gotten here? what the fuck am i doing? how could i have been so irresponsible? The nurse led me to the operating room, i climbed on the table, my feet rested in stirrups, they put anesthesia in my IV not to put me sleep, but to “relax” me and to make the “procedure” more comfortable. There were two nurses in the exam room. One nurse numbed my cervix, then the male doctor came over explained what he was going to do and promised that it would be over in five minutes. I started to feel the local anesthesia. One nurse in particular sat next to the operating table, she was nice, she asked me what i did for a living and what were my favorite things to do, i knew it was a distraction but in a way i felt comfort. I started to feel extreme pain, extreme cramps, the nurse held my hand and told me to breathe, the cramping became more intense i yelled in agony. Once the cramping subsided it was done, my baby was gone………..

 Continued In Part. 2

“Unintended Pregnancy in the United States.” Guttmacher Institute, 9 Jan. 2019, http://www.guttmacher.org/fact-sheet/unintended-pregnancy-united-states.