The inspiration for me starting a blog was this reason and this one reason only…. I had an abortion. Like many women i suffered from depression and anxiety due to a situation in which i felt i had no say. I’m putting all the bullshit aside, and i’m being completely honest about my abortion story. I have already payed for my sins, i have already gone through the storm, but for myself, i have to expel all the emotions and memories that still reside in me from a decision i made almost 9 years ago. I suffered from anxiety and depression after my experience with abortion. After you read this just keep in mind that many women who have terminated a pregnancy were backed into a corner, they felt like they had no support from family, friends, or their significant other. I can honestly say i had neither and that is what contributed to me making the decision i made. Do i regret it? yes, was it wrong? yes, do i still blame myself for not following my heart and mind ,YES! but i want to share my results after having an abortion.
It was 2007 i met Andre through a friend and immediately we hit it off. He was tall, dark, handsome,had a beautiful smile, and masculine. I loved our conversations and when we spent time together it was as if we knew each other for years. He would tell me I’m beautiful, and look into my eyes. We got physical rather quick and i loved being close to him in that way, i loved the intimacy. Protection was used the first time we were intimate but after that we stopped using protection. I figured i was only with him, i trust him with my body, i know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I did have some anxiety about sexual transmitted diseases. The images of diseased filled vagina’s and penis’s popped into my head from sexual health class that i took my senior year of high school, but i ignored it and trusted him anyway. I didn’t fear pregnancy because i never had consistent cycles so pregnancy was the farthest thing in my mind. My interpretation of the relationship when i look back now, was strictly physical. We had great sex, but i let our physical encounters make my mind think that it was something more, i assumed that because i had let him inside me that we were automatically in the serious monogamous relationship. We never went on dates, we never left the comfort of my apartment complex. I had only been to his house once and that was drama filled. The “exchanges” that we had were incredible but i wanted more. He was 21 i was 20, me being young of course i would connect good sex as a relationship right? i was so naive. Dre knew all the right words and the right things to do to me to give him what he came for each time, and that was sex. Even though we didn’t go on dates i just enjoyed being in his space. I believed he loved me but he didn’t now how to love me correctly, not the way i wanted to be. He had his background story and i realised why he couldn’t give himself to me fully let alone another woman. I tried to show him support, and listened when he confided in me about his rough childhood. I promised that whatever he told me i would secure it with my being. I tried to be the supportive “girlfriend” asking him about his hopes and fears, but he would circle around the answer and we would just end up having great sex and those things were forgotten. It had to be official if he had met my mom and sister. i thought to myself”oh yea Cecilie we got this in the bag he wouldn’t hurt you he has met your mother, your safe girl”. That was far from the truth.
I noticed a change in dre later on, but then again i thought i could fix him, i thought that i would be the girl he stick with because he had shared so many personal details about his life. In November of 2007 I remember catching the Bart to Fremont at night, on my 21st birthday to go see him. For my birthday he had given me a christmas egg, you know the ones you can buy from rite aid or cvs by the candy isle? i thought “ok, a christmas egg, he has giving me an egg for my birthday.” (Red Flag) that meant he really didn’t know me at all but i know he meant well. After the egg exchange we had sex and that was the night i got pregnant.
Months later nothing changed between him and i. He would come over we would make small talk and to the bedroom we went. At the end of january in 2008 i was in for a surprise. One day at work there was a potluck and i had ate something that didn’t agree with me, i figured what i ate was probably spoiled. The day after the potluck i called in sick because i felt really nauseous. I decided to drink a ginger ale to take some of the nausea away but i was still nauseous. I called up my best friend and mentioned to her that i felt sick and that it must have been what i ate the day before. she said to me “um you might be pregnant”, i laughed and said “I don’t think so, i can’t get pregnant i don’t have consistent cycles”, then she laughed and said “girl i think you should take a test”. It didn’t hurt to try. I was certain that it was just the bad tacos that had me feeling sick. That weekend i caught the bart to Richmond where my best friend lived. We caught the A.C. Transit to Walmart inside of hilltop mall, i bought a test and she insisted that i go to the bathroom quickly to take the test. I thought “this is crazy, i’m not pregnant, we are both going to feel so stupid once the results say i’m not”. We went to the bathroom and she followed behind. I chose a stall pee’d on the stick and waited for the negative results. “what does it say”? she asked from the other side of the door “can i wipe my ass first”? I replied. After i took care of cleaning myself i pulled up my pants I knew by this time i would see a result. I glanced over to the tissue holder and saw a positive result “oh shit” i thought “this can’t be”. “What does it say!?” my best friend yelled loud enough for the whole mall to hear. I stepped out of the stall “positive”. “girl you lying!”. I handed her the test “look!.” she looked down “oh shit it says positive, maybe you should take the second test” at this time i was i shock, i just knew this wasn’t right. I didn’t have any more urine to give at that time to test with so i waited until we got back to her house to take another one, and long and behold the results were positive. i couldn’t believe it “what you gone do”? she asked as we sat on her bed “i’m not sure, i have to call dre”. i called him and let him know that i was pregnant. His reaction didn’t surprise me he said “i want you to be happy, do what your heart tells you”, that wasn’t much help. I called my other best friend and she expressed that i should have the baby. In the end it was up to me to come up with solution and fast was i really going to have a baby?, the next challenge was me breaking the news to my mother.
I felt nervous, just as any young girl would before telling her mother that she is knocked up. I told her and the look on her face crushed me “where will the baby sleep? This place is small, how will you take care of it”? “did you tell dre”? i busted out in tears, she said “having a baby right now is not good for you, or dre”. She then suggested that Andre come over so we could all talk about our options. Of course the first option was abortion. Dre and my mother really leaned against that option, but for me i was hoping he would tell me to keep it. That night we all came to a decision to abort the life that was growing inside me. I knew that i didn’t want that but what other choice did i have? If that would keep dre and i together then i would do it, i wanted to take that risk. Before i could go any further i wanted confirmation with blood work, inside i was still hoping that the tests had a glitch and that i really wasn’t pregnant. My co worker at the time knew something was up. she approached me on my lunch and asked what was wrong with me, i remember she walked into the break room with taco bell and the smell of meat at that time made me very sick. “what’s wrong? you look different”. i looked up at her and somehow she knew right away “you’re pregnant”? i nodded. “does the father know”? i nodded “what are you going to do”? she asked “i’m not sure”. Then she says something i will never forget she said “you have so much to offer the world, you’re so young, do you really want to become another statistic? a young black single mother pushing a baby in a stroller”? i looked at her with sadness in my eyes, i shook my head “no”. “One day it will be the right time you’ll get married and do it the right way but right now do you think you could take care of another human being? is he ready”?. After i cried she lent a helping hand, and ear, she even drove me to the doctor so i could do blood work . The blood work came back positive and all my fears had been confirmed. Immediately I had to get rid of this “problem”. I received a referral from my primary OBGYN physician, once i told the nurse over the phone that i wanted to terminate the pregnancy, she gave me a number and i called that day to make an appointment. The day of the appointment was nerve racking, Dre didn’t seem to enthusiastic about joining me at the clinic for my consultation, in fact he didn’t answer his phone and he showed up late. The lady took me to a room told me to stay in the room until the video was over, it was watch a video telling me what to expect. I admit i was terrified, but i thought once this is over me and dre will become more closer. After the informative video i did blood work and did an ultrasound. The nurse told me to remove my pants and underwear, i layed on the exam table with my feet in stirups, she put a condom on a wand looking instrument and did a vaginal ultrasound i noticed she faced the screen away from me. “It looks like your nine weeks”. I tried to look at the screen but it was turned to far. she then removed the instrument “You can put on your pants now, i’ll be back”. She printed a photo of the ultrasound and placed it into my file, i peeked inside my file, There it was my “little burrito” that’s because it looked like a burrito, my eyes started to fill with tears ”oh my baby, i’m so scared, look at you, you’re so small”. The nurse knocked on the door, i hurried and closed my file, wiped my eyes and she led me to the counselor’s office. The whole time this lady talked all i could think about was the “little burrito” that was growing inside me. I thought ” do i really want this”? a lot of girls my age have babies it’s not the end of the world”. I was interrupted by the counselor “Ms. anderson do you hear me”? i looked up at the counselor “yes”. she asked me if i was sure about my decision i told her yes she then set up the time and date to come in for my procedure. I walked out and saw Andre sitting waiting for me in the waiting room. The walk to the bart station was quiet. He kissed me before we went out separate ways. He promised that he would be there for me on that day. I kissed him back said i love you and caught my train home.
The day after my consultation i let my supervisor know that i would be out friday due to minor surgery, i let my co worker know who was in a way my second supervisor and she said that she would cover for me, i was grateful that she showed me so much support and she made me think of the future. I was scared, nervous, doubtful, and felt alone. I didn’t know what to expect. My best friend jamie promised that she would be there when i got home from the clinic and she was. I called Andre the night before the procedure but he never answered. I couldn’t wait on him though, i had to go through with this alone. That day was so grey, the skies were filled with dark clouds and rain. My mother drove me to the clinic, she dropped me off and told me to call her once i was done. When i walked back into the clinic there were other girls there too with the same look on their faces. They looked terrified, one girl even sat in tears. Once i checked in the nurse called me to the back, i changed into my hospital gown and put a spandex belt around my waist to hold the pad for for after the procedure. I wanted to run, i wanted to keep my baby but dre was i all i could think about. How the fuck did it come to this? how could i have gotten here? what the fuck am i doing? how could i have been so irresponsible? The nurse led me to the operating room, i climbed on the table, my feet rested in stirrups, they put anesthesia in my IV not to make me sleep, but to “relax” me and to make the “procedure” more comfortable. One nurse numbed my cervix, then the male doctor came over explained what he was going to do and promised that it would be over in five minutes. I started to feel the local anesthesia. There were to nurses in the room with me. One nurse in particular sat next to the operating table, she was nice, she asked me what i did for a living and what were my favorite things to do, i knew it was a distraction but in a way i felt comfort. I started to feel extreme pain, extreme cramps, the nurse held my hand and told me to breathe, the cramping became more intense i yelled in agony. Once the cramping subsided it was done i had aborted my baby, my baby was gone………..