I woke up this morning, and I was feeling sadness. groggy, still recovering from the Friday work day, I knew I had to start my day eventually. Jenny Craig awaits me. I get up, use the bathroom. brush my teeth, wash my face, I feel like I’m going through the motions. This is my everyday routine. I get dressed and walk out of the door. I’m hoping for weight loss this week, I think I have done pretty good this week considering the internal battle that I have with my body and mind. There is no weight loss (sigh) what a surprise. I go over my plan for the week with my consultant, nods, yeses, okay’s, menu then I’m out the door. My brain says “ces you got this, don’t let this thing take ahold of you, you now what you need to do for next week. I go to the grocery store to get my fruits and veggies still going through the motions but I’m feeling uneasy, she is visiting again. Her and I haven’t talked for about 2 years. She had been on my mind for the past two weeks.
While I think of her I look over the fruit, this store never has the type of fruit I like. I pick up some oranges, bananas, and granny smith apples keeping in my mind that I need this weight loss next week. I get other items I need and head to the check out line. The cashier looks tired and restless like me. I pay for my things and walk out of the store sliding doors, damn I can’t stop thinking about her. The drive home was nothing short of a sunken place. To much silence and things that are going through my mind that I want to say out loud but I think to myself again “girl it don’t matter if you say it out oud it won’t change anything. I arrived home put my “diet food” in the freezer picking out my breakfast for the day, still going through the motions, focusing on my breath and my surroundings I put pumpkin loaf in the microwave for 30 seconds. Still putting my fruits and veggies away I think about my day and if I’m going to see her again later. I change back into my dress I put on the night before and check on my loaf. It’s ready, finally, I’m famished. I grab my chocolate shake, banana, and pumpkin loaf and return to my room. Eating in silence is so awkward, I think about her while I finish my nutritious breakfast. I finish, I put my cover over m head and close my eyes. I got up at 6:30 am on a Saturday, hell, I’m going back to sleep, maybe if I sleep I can make the thoughts of her go away. Sleep was pleasurable but once my eyes opened I heard her. I got chills, I was anxious, I was afraid. I sat up took a deep breath nd closed my eyes. “go away, go away, I don’t want to be bothered with your madness today”.
I put the blanket back over my head and close my eyes, it was already too late, she had found me. Water fell from my eyes and I couldn’t contain it. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I stood there, hair disheveled, body limp and I couldn’t hold back the tears. Flashes of memories started to haunt me. The operating table, the doctor, the nurse, the room, the pain, I wish I had one so bad, I could smell the scent of my unborn child. “what the fuck cecilie? i thought we were passed this, here we go again with the should’ve and could’ve”, what’s done is done, no sense in crying now .” I look at myself in the mirror. My eyes red and puffy. Relived my eyebrows are perfect and not affected by the water works. ” okay ces, convince yourself your happy, your married to a great man, you have a job, your not struggling, you want for nothing, you can easily have now and not have a child, go in there and jump on him now”. It’s funny how your thought can be just that, a thought, I could not do it in reality, I couldn’t forget it just like that. I wiped my tears looked at myself again, she left, that wasn’t pleasant, shit, when is it ever pleasant when she comes? ugh. I rinsed my face.
I walked out of the restroom got back into my bed, next to my husband, I smiled, I reached for my phone, it’s 2:00 pm. I Guess I will perform my wifely duties folding clothes, vacuum, maybe enjoy some Netflix. This was my life, This is what most of my weekends looked like. Sad isn’t it? How could I be the most unhappiest happiest person? what I did still haunts me, i’m drained emotionally. I go through life with just the routine. It’s starting to consume me. Today was the day, I was reminded of what I did I’m 2008 that changed my life forever………..